Well it has certainly been a while.
Partially because Paul wanted me to take a break from writing and partially because I felt at a loss for what to say. But mostly because we weren't really moving in any direction at any speed at all.
I sit here now at 4:30 in the morning compelled to share this verse with you
I have made you and I will carry you; I will sustain you and I will rescue you. - Isaiah 46:4
I read that verse on a painting at bible study last week and it touched my heart. Sometimes I just need to be reminded that God is the maker and the creator and that He will never abandon us. Even though sometimes I feel alone I am not God is ALWAYS there. When I feel too weak to walk any further He has carried me. And because he rescued me I will be forever sustained because of HIM.
I just needed a little reminder as we continue to take this roller coaster of a journey towards having a family.
God Bless you all!
Sunday, December 11, 2011
Thursday, July 14, 2011
What Inspires you??
Yesterday was a LONG day and I have to admit that I wasn't in the best of moods when I arrived for my interview. When I walked through the I was greeted by Dr and Mrs. Van Tassel they were happy to see me and just really nice people so they showed me the office and I sat down for my interview and the first question they asked.....??
What inspires you?
It made me think about the days events and the sadness that is forever associated with July the 11th and I decided that people inspire me. People caring about others and offering to help and being willing to give so readily of themselves without expecting anything in return.
Just when you think the world is totally evil and that there aren't really any 'good' people left they surprise you. People help people. The community comes together for one grieving family, for one lost child.
It is a little proof from God that he hasn't totally given up on us yet. Help someone today just because you can. God Bless
What inspires you?
It made me think about the days events and the sadness that is forever associated with July the 11th and I decided that people inspire me. People caring about others and offering to help and being willing to give so readily of themselves without expecting anything in return.
Just when you think the world is totally evil and that there aren't really any 'good' people left they surprise you. People help people. The community comes together for one grieving family, for one lost child.
It is a little proof from God that he hasn't totally given up on us yet. Help someone today just because you can. God Bless
Monday, July 11, 2011
Goodbyes
July 11. It is a day I wish I could erase from my calendar forever..just skip it and pretend it was never there..
July 11, 2010 Diana Buckmaster, a dear friend and mentor and at times another mom passed away all to soon.
July 11, 2011 Justin Hultenschmidt took his life into his own hands, a choice that ended in tragedy.
Diana was a mother of two, Kadee had just graduated and Hayden would graduate the following year. She has been gone a year now and though her children are living life and are succeeding in all that they had dreamed of the reality is that she missed it. Gods plan and Gods timing may never make sense to me at all but I trust in him so completely that I find some solace.
Justin was a bright young man with the whole world in front of him. His passing has left so many with questions. He made a choice that he can never take back a choice that ended much more than his own life. I am sure people will blame themselves and some will blame others and a few will even blame Justin and a few more will blame God but the truth is we may never understand, its not for us to understand as hard as that makes things. All that is left to do now is pray for his family. His mom and dad and his younger brother.
Tell the people that you love that you love them before it is to late.
July 11, 2010 Diana Buckmaster, a dear friend and mentor and at times another mom passed away all to soon.
July 11, 2011 Justin Hultenschmidt took his life into his own hands, a choice that ended in tragedy.
Diana was a mother of two, Kadee had just graduated and Hayden would graduate the following year. She has been gone a year now and though her children are living life and are succeeding in all that they had dreamed of the reality is that she missed it. Gods plan and Gods timing may never make sense to me at all but I trust in him so completely that I find some solace.
Justin was a bright young man with the whole world in front of him. His passing has left so many with questions. He made a choice that he can never take back a choice that ended much more than his own life. I am sure people will blame themselves and some will blame others and a few will even blame Justin and a few more will blame God but the truth is we may never understand, its not for us to understand as hard as that makes things. All that is left to do now is pray for his family. His mom and dad and his younger brother.
Tell the people that you love that you love them before it is to late.
Thursday, July 7, 2011
Back
It has been a while since I have written I feel like I go through spurts where I write a lot and then I don't. At any rate I am here now and unfortunately there isn't much to update you all on. We have to do a few more tests and things of that nature I am in the process of applying for grant aide for meds and IVF services so now just waiting for all that stuff to go through and what not. Its a process that is for sure.
In other news I have made the INSANE decision to take 12 credits over the summer semester (4weeks) and of those 4 classes (3 credits each) I have 2 english classes, 1 finance and 1 econ class..and a combined total of..are you ready??.............150 PAGES of writing assignments..and yes you read that right ONE-HUNDRED-FIFTY PAGES in 4 WEEKS!! oh goodness..
If I am not crazy now I will be by the end of this semester!
In other news I have made the INSANE decision to take 12 credits over the summer semester (4weeks) and of those 4 classes (3 credits each) I have 2 english classes, 1 finance and 1 econ class..and a combined total of..are you ready??.............150 PAGES of writing assignments..and yes you read that right ONE-HUNDRED-FIFTY PAGES in 4 WEEKS!! oh goodness..
If I am not crazy now I will be by the end of this semester!
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
IVF Sisters
It has become so blatantly apparent to me in the last few months that I am not alone in this. That I have such a great group of women that are there for me to offer me their support, their shoulders, thier stories and most importantly their friendship. I try my very best to do the same for them and most times I feel like I haven't held up my end..but the most wonderful thing about friends is that they forgive and they understand.
As much as I am happy to have someone who truly understands I am saddened that they are having to suffer through the same heartwrenching struggle as me. I guess I spend so much time talking about the hard parts and the struggles that I often forget to mention that it gets to a point where its kind of exciting. That you get to place where you are not only at peace with the journey but that you are so looking forward to the outcome. The only outcome that you really let yourself imagine. That is the outcome I want for each and every one of them without jealousy, without envy, without sadness - even for myself. I will be as happy for them as I would for myself. That is love and that is friendship.
I am so blessed that these woman are also women of faith and that we can honestly say we pray for one another everyday. I want to take this opportunity to thank my IVF sisters: Monica, Janie, Jodi and Nic. You give me strength that I would otherwise not have. You give me the support that no one else can and I hope you know I pray for the best for you :)
As much as I am happy to have someone who truly understands I am saddened that they are having to suffer through the same heartwrenching struggle as me. I guess I spend so much time talking about the hard parts and the struggles that I often forget to mention that it gets to a point where its kind of exciting. That you get to place where you are not only at peace with the journey but that you are so looking forward to the outcome. The only outcome that you really let yourself imagine. That is the outcome I want for each and every one of them without jealousy, without envy, without sadness - even for myself. I will be as happy for them as I would for myself. That is love and that is friendship.
I am so blessed that these woman are also women of faith and that we can honestly say we pray for one another everyday. I want to take this opportunity to thank my IVF sisters: Monica, Janie, Jodi and Nic. You give me strength that I would otherwise not have. You give me the support that no one else can and I hope you know I pray for the best for you :)
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
Goodness
I have to work to remember that the Lord is on my side that He loves me and that He will protect me if I just ask for it. The Lord is good and He is wise and today I am laying all of my cares all of my worries, all of my troubles and all of my heartache on Him and then I will give the good Lord all the praise for my triumphs and all the the credit for my successes. I give it all to Him all the praise and all the glory. I live for Him.
Numbers 6:24-26
24 “‘“The LORD bless you
and keep you;
25 the LORD make his face shine on you
and be gracious to you;
26 the LORD turn his face toward you
and give you peace.”’
Numbers 6:24-26
24 “‘“The LORD bless you
and keep you;
25 the LORD make his face shine on you
and be gracious to you;
26 the LORD turn his face toward you
and give you peace.”’
Friday, May 20, 2011
The Feeling
The feeling is FAILURE.
Possibly the worst feeling EVER.
The feeling that your body has FAILED to give your heart its greatest desire.
The feeling that you have FAILED your husband. FAILED because you can't give him a family, because you can't make him a father.
The feeling that God has FAILED you.
and
That because you feel that way, despite trying not to and wanting to feel any other way, that you have FAILED God.
It is the feeling of FAILURE that haunts me the most; because with FAILURE comes disappointment and sadness and sometimes it even makes you hate your body a little for not doing what it is 'supposed' to be able to do, hate your heart for wanting the seemingly impossible.
Its a daily struggle with this feeling of FAILURE and some days I don't win. Some days I want to give up but most days I come out on top, or at the very least tied, and most days I know I have to fight and keep fighting. I need to know I did everything I could because one day I will be a great mom and one day I will make my husband a father.
**Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. The courage to change the things I can. And the wisdom to know the difference.**
Possibly the worst feeling EVER.
The feeling that your body has FAILED to give your heart its greatest desire.
The feeling that you have FAILED your husband. FAILED because you can't give him a family, because you can't make him a father.
The feeling that God has FAILED you.
and
That because you feel that way, despite trying not to and wanting to feel any other way, that you have FAILED God.
It is the feeling of FAILURE that haunts me the most; because with FAILURE comes disappointment and sadness and sometimes it even makes you hate your body a little for not doing what it is 'supposed' to be able to do, hate your heart for wanting the seemingly impossible.
Its a daily struggle with this feeling of FAILURE and some days I don't win. Some days I want to give up but most days I come out on top, or at the very least tied, and most days I know I have to fight and keep fighting. I need to know I did everything I could because one day I will be a great mom and one day I will make my husband a father.
**Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. The courage to change the things I can. And the wisdom to know the difference.**
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Interesting Sites
I found a couple of new sites that have some great resources for people stuggling with IF. They are advocacy sites helping to bring awareness to the issue of INFERTILITY.
http://www.resolve.org/
http://www.filltheirarms.com/
Check them out. Spread the word about IF.
http://www.resolve.org/
http://www.filltheirarms.com/
Check them out. Spread the word about IF.
Saturday, May 14, 2011
The Question
The question is WHY.
Why me? Why us?
WHY NOT?
How?
How will we afford this?
What if?
What if it fails?
What if it never works?
I do my best to conceal the fact that this whole thing controls my life. That every thought that runs through my brain is somehow wraps back around to IVF..infertility..the money..the time..the fear of the unknown.. Its a lonely place to live. Paul gets it..kind of I suppose. but he is a man afterall. He doesn't really understand the tears or the sadness. He tries and for that I love him but he just can't understand it. This feeling of helplessness, of doubt, of jealousy, of failure.
Someone told me "you have to stop being jealous"..But they have no idea how badly I want to not be jealous. to not be holding back tears every time I see a baby in the grocery store or hear a baby cry from the back of the room. I'm not like lifetime movie kidnapping jealous I am just sad for me. For my husband.
I wish people that don't understand, that haven't been in my shoes would just keep their opinions to themselves. Dont judge me if you haven't been here.
Why me? Why us?
WHY NOT?
How?
How will we afford this?
What if?
What if it fails?
What if it never works?
I do my best to conceal the fact that this whole thing controls my life. That every thought that runs through my brain is somehow wraps back around to IVF..infertility..the money..the time..the fear of the unknown.. Its a lonely place to live. Paul gets it..kind of I suppose. but he is a man afterall. He doesn't really understand the tears or the sadness. He tries and for that I love him but he just can't understand it. This feeling of helplessness, of doubt, of jealousy, of failure.
Someone told me "you have to stop being jealous"..But they have no idea how badly I want to not be jealous. to not be holding back tears every time I see a baby in the grocery store or hear a baby cry from the back of the room. I'm not like lifetime movie kidnapping jealous I am just sad for me. For my husband.
I wish people that don't understand, that haven't been in my shoes would just keep their opinions to themselves. Dont judge me if you haven't been here.
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
Back
I often get so worried about what to write that I forget to write at all.
I suppose that it is partly due to the fact that it is such a personal topic for me that I am then unable to wade through the fog of emotion to make a clear and consise entry. But do I really need to filter? Maybe some but I suppose the raw emotion is what makes it a real story..my story.
I found a new RE in Las Vegas that does in house financing for IVF. 90 days of no interest but a 15% interest after that. To me its worth it though. I am excited about the possibility that it could all still happen but I am continuing to pray that when it does happen that it is Gods timing and not my own.
I suppose that it is partly due to the fact that it is such a personal topic for me that I am then unable to wade through the fog of emotion to make a clear and consise entry. But do I really need to filter? Maybe some but I suppose the raw emotion is what makes it a real story..my story.
I found a new RE in Las Vegas that does in house financing for IVF. 90 days of no interest but a 15% interest after that. To me its worth it though. I am excited about the possibility that it could all still happen but I am continuing to pray that when it does happen that it is Gods timing and not my own.
Monday, March 21, 2011
Yet another change
Well we have had to push the cycle back to the original plan of June. It was a combination of sickness, funky period, and financial.
I was kind of upset about it at first..okay really upset..but now I am okay with it..It gives me more time to lose weight and save more money. I know that when it happens it will be perfect timing and it will be Gods plan.
The LORD will keep you from all harm—
he will watch over your life;
The LORD will watch over your coming and going
both now and forevermore.
I was kind of upset about it at first..okay really upset..but now I am okay with it..It gives me more time to lose weight and save more money. I know that when it happens it will be perfect timing and it will be Gods plan.
The LORD will keep you from all harm—
he will watch over your life;
The LORD will watch over your coming and going
both now and forevermore.
Monday, March 14, 2011
Fear and Excitement
I haven't really taken much time to just write lately. And I do have a lot to write about..or at least I feel I do. Of course there is the excitement that comes with doing IVF and we are really thrilled about the opportunity and I am totally ecstatic that we got to be in the April cycle..though admittedly Paul isn't quite as thrilled mostly because the due date would fall 'right in the middle of duck season'..that is true to his nature I guess..and I love him for it.
But there is a fear present too. The fear of it not working. The fear that we will have spent all this money for nothing..well not for nothing but without success. My faith in the good Lord has gotten me here, to this place, has carried me through some dark places and some times when I wasn't sure about anything and I know that I have to continue to trust in God but I am scared.
Part of me is scared that it wont work and for financial reasons I know that my husband will likely never let me do it again but part of me is afraid that if it doesn't work I will be angry with God again, the way I was at the beggining of this struggle to concieve. I don't want to blame God, question Him, be angry with Him. I want this to work. I want to give my husband a child. I want to be a family.
But lets face it parenting is hard or rather is going to be hard. I am also scared about all the possibilities that are there if we are successful. I believe we are ready, or as ready as anyone can be, but I am still scared. What if we do it wrong? What if..what if..what if..I know I could do it all day. I am excited, thrilled, happy, nervous and anxious.
I am going to continue to pray that God will bless us with a child to love and when parenting gets hard and I start to question myself I will pray to God for strength, wisdom and guidance in that moment..but I want to get there first!
But there is a fear present too. The fear of it not working. The fear that we will have spent all this money for nothing..well not for nothing but without success. My faith in the good Lord has gotten me here, to this place, has carried me through some dark places and some times when I wasn't sure about anything and I know that I have to continue to trust in God but I am scared.
Part of me is scared that it wont work and for financial reasons I know that my husband will likely never let me do it again but part of me is afraid that if it doesn't work I will be angry with God again, the way I was at the beggining of this struggle to concieve. I don't want to blame God, question Him, be angry with Him. I want this to work. I want to give my husband a child. I want to be a family.
But lets face it parenting is hard or rather is going to be hard. I am also scared about all the possibilities that are there if we are successful. I believe we are ready, or as ready as anyone can be, but I am still scared. What if we do it wrong? What if..what if..what if..I know I could do it all day. I am excited, thrilled, happy, nervous and anxious.
I am going to continue to pray that God will bless us with a child to love and when parenting gets hard and I start to question myself I will pray to God for strength, wisdom and guidance in that moment..but I want to get there first!
Sunday, March 13, 2011
Thankful
"Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened." Matthew 7:7
This verse speaks to me now more than ever before. I am so thankful to God just for the opportunity that he has given to me and my husband. I know that He listens when I pray and He is acting in my life everyday.
This verse speaks to me now more than ever before. I am so thankful to God just for the opportunity that he has given to me and my husband. I know that He listens when I pray and He is acting in my life everyday.
Thursday, March 10, 2011
Appointment Update
The water ultrasound was painful but I think mostly because I wasn't expecting it to hurt..mostly cramps I guess. I was glad that Breezy was there with me to ask questions because I just kind of went blank..I always do in the Drs office..Anyways Dr. Foulk said that he saw nothing in my uterus that was abnormal which I was glad for. I was so nervous before the appt but he was great and very patient.
We did decide to go ahead with the IVF cycle in April! (happy dance) I couldn't be more excited! I am so greatful to God for hearing my prayers and giving me a chance.
Here is my protocol so far:
BCP- March 16-April 4
Antibiotics- March 26-April 4
Lupron Shots- March 30- until advised of new protocol around time of retrieval
Bravelle and Menopur shots- April 9- until advised of new protocol around time of retrieval
Appointments:
Baseline U/S April 8
Blood Draw April 14
Ultrasound April 16
Ultrasound April 17
Ultrasound April 18
Dates they gave me based on their averages:
Egg Retrieval (tenative) April 20th
3 day transfer or CONSULT (consult on progress of embryo development) April 23
5 day transfer April 25
**Again the above dates are subject to change depending on how stuff goes I will keep everyone posted and up to date!**
We did decide to go ahead with the IVF cycle in April! (happy dance) I couldn't be more excited! I am so greatful to God for hearing my prayers and giving me a chance.
Here is my protocol so far:
BCP- March 16-April 4
Antibiotics- March 26-April 4
Lupron Shots- March 30- until advised of new protocol around time of retrieval
Bravelle and Menopur shots- April 9- until advised of new protocol around time of retrieval
Appointments:
Baseline U/S April 8
Blood Draw April 14
Ultrasound April 16
Ultrasound April 17
Ultrasound April 18
Dates they gave me based on their averages:
Egg Retrieval (tenative) April 20th
3 day transfer or CONSULT (consult on progress of embryo development) April 23
5 day transfer April 25
**Again the above dates are subject to change depending on how stuff goes I will keep everyone posted and up to date!**
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Hydrosonogram on Monday
Next monday I have an appointment for a hydrosonogram; a water ultrasound to check for ANYTHING on or in my uterus that could prevent implantation or prevent me from carrying a pregnancy to term. Immediately following the ultrasound we will have a meeting with the financial advisor to make a financial plan and to schedule for sure our IVF cycle.
Its kind of like the first real step toward our cycle. We will get all of our protocol and timelines and steps to take before June. I am getting soooo excited! Paul may come with me and if he doesn't then Breezy will come..she will be more help I think as far as remembering to ask the doctor questions..
June needs to hurry and get here!
In the mean time I am still dieting and working out and Breeze and I are 'buddies' online at myfitnesspal.com so we can track eachother and motivate eachother..its fun..its nice to have someone to do it with.
Its kind of like the first real step toward our cycle. We will get all of our protocol and timelines and steps to take before June. I am getting soooo excited! Paul may come with me and if he doesn't then Breezy will come..she will be more help I think as far as remembering to ask the doctor questions..
June needs to hurry and get here!
In the mean time I am still dieting and working out and Breeze and I are 'buddies' online at myfitnesspal.com so we can track eachother and motivate eachother..its fun..its nice to have someone to do it with.
Thursday, February 24, 2011
"If I knew then what I know now..."
I wasn't sure what I was going to write about until a moment ago when I was talking with my boss and a co-worker. It came up in our conversation a lady that actually said that if she knew then what she knows now she would have went through with an abortion instead of having her little boy, now 4 years old.
Can someone please tell me what kind of person, what kind of mother would say that? would feel that?
Jealousy is something I have struggled with throughout this whole journey and most days I do really well. Most days. And then there are days like today that make it hard not to be angry and sad and mad and incredibly jealous of those that are not deserving.
I know its not my place to judge. Its not my place to say they are unfit parents or don't deserve the love of a child but lets face it she made it pretty easy for me to draw that conclusion. I will pray for forgiveness tonight as I do everynight.
I just have to keep telling myself that I will be a mom someday soon. I will get my turn and Paul will have his turn and together we will be great parents. That we will appreciate every moment that much more.
Can someone please tell me what kind of person, what kind of mother would say that? would feel that?
Jealousy is something I have struggled with throughout this whole journey and most days I do really well. Most days. And then there are days like today that make it hard not to be angry and sad and mad and incredibly jealous of those that are not deserving.
I know its not my place to judge. Its not my place to say they are unfit parents or don't deserve the love of a child but lets face it she made it pretty easy for me to draw that conclusion. I will pray for forgiveness tonight as I do everynight.
I just have to keep telling myself that I will be a mom someday soon. I will get my turn and Paul will have his turn and together we will be great parents. That we will appreciate every moment that much more.
Thursday, February 17, 2011
A whole lot of nothing!
Well I haven't been on here in a couple of days, been slacking a bit you could say, but I just didn't know what to say.
I had a great time on Saturday at bible study with Lori and I felt so good afterwards.
Things seem to be pretty good right now with the exception of the dealings with the insurance company. The lady handling part of the claim, the medical side, called and screamed at me claiming not to have said some of the things that she said and also accusing me of cursing her out and others as well. I can say with confidence that I most certainly did NOT curse at anyone! That made me angry! And on top of it she is being vengeful and childish saying she will not begin working on the claim until after 15 days..when she told me previously it would only take her 2 or 3 days to settle. Talk about frustrating !
In other news, well there isn't much. We are waiting on the money from the settlements to come in and our tax return to come in so we can do the things we need to do. We are hoping to have a car next week :) and the remaining money will be put into savings so that we can begin making payments on the student loans as well as start really socking money away to buy a piece of land and a home. And of course baby!
As soon as we know what the 'plan' is going to be money wise we will be able to go get some initial ultra sounds and such done just to be totally positive there isn't any issue that may prevent me from carrying a baby to term. Its starting to feel more and more real. Like we have a date and the money and its actually going to happen! It seems a bit surreal at times but I couldn't be more excited..I kind of wish we were doing the April cycle but June will be here before you know it and June will be a bit more relaxed month with work and such. I hope. This time next year I could have a baby of my own..a living symbol of my love with my husband..I am truly blessed!
I had a great time on Saturday at bible study with Lori and I felt so good afterwards.
Things seem to be pretty good right now with the exception of the dealings with the insurance company. The lady handling part of the claim, the medical side, called and screamed at me claiming not to have said some of the things that she said and also accusing me of cursing her out and others as well. I can say with confidence that I most certainly did NOT curse at anyone! That made me angry! And on top of it she is being vengeful and childish saying she will not begin working on the claim until after 15 days..when she told me previously it would only take her 2 or 3 days to settle. Talk about frustrating !
In other news, well there isn't much. We are waiting on the money from the settlements to come in and our tax return to come in so we can do the things we need to do. We are hoping to have a car next week :) and the remaining money will be put into savings so that we can begin making payments on the student loans as well as start really socking money away to buy a piece of land and a home. And of course baby!
As soon as we know what the 'plan' is going to be money wise we will be able to go get some initial ultra sounds and such done just to be totally positive there isn't any issue that may prevent me from carrying a baby to term. Its starting to feel more and more real. Like we have a date and the money and its actually going to happen! It seems a bit surreal at times but I couldn't be more excited..I kind of wish we were doing the April cycle but June will be here before you know it and June will be a bit more relaxed month with work and such. I hope. This time next year I could have a baby of my own..a living symbol of my love with my husband..I am truly blessed!
Friday, February 11, 2011
Correction 2011
I really need to get better at proof reading things! I had posted a week or so ago a thread entitled "June 2012!" BUT it actually needed to be "June 2011!"
Just to be clear we are going to proceed with IVF in June of this year..yes thats right 4 months! Its an almost surreal feeling to finally have a timeframe nailed down!
I have said before that I am fully aware of the possibility that we may not be successful in our first attempt at IVF but I have also said that I plan to focus on the potential for a positive outcome (ie: a full term healthy baby boy/girl). So I am going to be incredibly nervous and ridiculously excited for the next 4 months and hopefully for the next 9 months after that! And in the mean time we are busy planning and saving and trying to get all our ducks in a row so to speak.
I am praying that God will help us get a place of our own before the baby comes in the spring and I hope that he will guide us towards the opportunities that will lead us to financial independence.
Just to be clear we are going to proceed with IVF in June of this year..yes thats right 4 months! Its an almost surreal feeling to finally have a timeframe nailed down!
I have said before that I am fully aware of the possibility that we may not be successful in our first attempt at IVF but I have also said that I plan to focus on the potential for a positive outcome (ie: a full term healthy baby boy/girl). So I am going to be incredibly nervous and ridiculously excited for the next 4 months and hopefully for the next 9 months after that! And in the mean time we are busy planning and saving and trying to get all our ducks in a row so to speak.
I am praying that God will help us get a place of our own before the baby comes in the spring and I hope that he will guide us towards the opportunities that will lead us to financial independence.
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Houses and Cars
So todays post is going to be a little bit off topic but pertinent to the rest of my life..you know the part that doesn't totally revolve around IF..haha..I know SURPRISE I do have a life otherwise too..lol
We have been talking a lot about buying a little piece of land and buying a house not tomorrow but would definitely be something we would like to happen before are bringing babies home from the hospital ya know?
We agree about a few things but not most of them as far as size..well lets face it he is cheap..but he is having a hard time understanding that the cost of moving in 5 years because we have outgrown a house is more expensive than spending a little extra now to be in a house we won't outgrow so quickly. Although at the same time I can understand where he is coming from..lots of options to weigh, lots of pros and cons..guess that means time for a list!! (I truly love lists!)
OH and I will share a few links of the houses we are looking at:
http://www.fuquahomes.com/fuquabend/eagle_pointe_fp/9956_fp.jpg
http://www.fuquahomes.com/fuquabend/eagle_pointe_fp/9953_fp.jpg
http://www.fuquahomes.com/fuquabend/first_pointe_fp/1356lit.pdf
http://www.fuquahomes.com/fuquabend/first_pointe_fp/1393lit.pdf
http://www.fuquahomes.com/fuquabend/river_pointe_fp/0338DFP.jpg
http://www.newwavehomebuilders.com/pdf/3R-4470-22.pdf
http://www.newwavehomebuilders.com/pdf/3C-4470-22.pdf
Next week we will be shopping for a car and I hope that we can find one we like quickly and hopefully agree on something without too much sacrafice on either part :)
We have been talking a lot about buying a little piece of land and buying a house not tomorrow but would definitely be something we would like to happen before are bringing babies home from the hospital ya know?
We agree about a few things but not most of them as far as size..well lets face it he is cheap..but he is having a hard time understanding that the cost of moving in 5 years because we have outgrown a house is more expensive than spending a little extra now to be in a house we won't outgrow so quickly. Although at the same time I can understand where he is coming from..lots of options to weigh, lots of pros and cons..guess that means time for a list!! (I truly love lists!)
OH and I will share a few links of the houses we are looking at:
http://www.fuquahomes.com/fuquabend/eagle_pointe_fp/9956_fp.jpg
http://www.fuquahomes.com/fuquabend/eagle_pointe_fp/9953_fp.jpg
http://www.fuquahomes.com/fuquabend/first_pointe_fp/1356lit.pdf
http://www.fuquahomes.com/fuquabend/first_pointe_fp/1393lit.pdf
http://www.fuquahomes.com/fuquabend/river_pointe_fp/0338DFP.jpg
http://www.newwavehomebuilders.com/pdf/3R-4470-22.pdf
http://www.newwavehomebuilders.com/pdf/3C-4470-22.pdf
Next week we will be shopping for a car and I hope that we can find one we like quickly and hopefully agree on something without too much sacrafice on either part :)
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Baby Names
I was talking to Lori about babies and names and it occured to me that I hadn't shared my name list here with you all. Here are the names I plan to use for the future Malay babies:
Here is a link so you can vote: http://www.babynames.com/namelist/9766495
Boys:
Wyatt Iven Malay
Cooper McCoy Malay
Remington Clay Malay
Hestin Bailer Malay
Saracen Kincaide Malay
Riggins Tate Malay
Girls:
Odessa Joliene Malay
Payson Tulsa Malay
Mariykah Tielar Malay
Carsyn Brinkley Malay
Kassydee Payge Malay
Kinsley Bliss Malay
Kadence Layne Faith Malay
Here is a link so you can vote: http://www.babynames.com/namelist/9766495
Boys:
Wyatt Iven Malay
Cooper McCoy Malay
Remington Clay Malay
Hestin Bailer Malay
Saracen Kincaide Malay
Riggins Tate Malay
Girls:
Odessa Joliene Malay
Payson Tulsa Malay
Mariykah Tielar Malay
Carsyn Brinkley Malay
Kassydee Payge Malay
Kinsley Bliss Malay
Kadence Layne Faith Malay
Sunday, February 6, 2011
Baby Kade
I didn't post this when I originally wrote it in my journal because I just didn't know how. I think I can now: Written January 23, 2011
I met my newest nephew, Kade, for the first time yesterday; he is quite possibly perfect! I was there to take his newborn pictures and admittedly I had sort of been, well not looking forward to it. But I needed to not only because I promised my sister but also because I knew I was being pretty ridiculous.
I was soo happy, am so happy, for Angie and Kyle; but sad for myself, for Paul. I hope that everyone can try to understand that the happiness I had for my sister and brother-in-law was in no way replaced by my own selfish sadness that was accompanied by a very small undertone of jealousy..though by this point that small undercurrent was pretty much abolished.
I was thankful for the wind and the warm weather that the day had brought with it because if not for that weather I am quite certain my tears would have stained my cheeks. I cried because I was happy, I cried because I was sad, I was a little angry at myself for letting my emotions get the best of me, a little angry with God for giving me this situation but at the same time thankful for his guidance and his love. I was sad that it was me having to struggle though I would NEVER wish this struggle on anyone else, not even my greatest enemy. I had to give it all to God before I went in the house because I wasn't sure that if I held onto it all myself I would be able to handle it..that I would be able to keep from crying or laughing or standing on my head in the corner of the room.
I didn't want to take away from their happiness..I didn't want to make what was soo special for them less special because I have issues because I know that if the situation were reversed she wouldn't either. I guess I have to confess that I miss Angie..I shared this whole experience with her and she has been wonderfully supportive about everything and she is always there for me, always has been. I haven't been sharing as much with Angie as I used to for fear of ruining something for her though I am not really convinced I could.
My accident was during the same time she was in labor with Kade and the next morning when I heard from her I just remember sitting and crying as hard as I ever had for about 10 minutes all the while smiling and being so overjoyed that he was here. It was the same reaction that I had when I held him for the first time (or rather after I left the house that night) and still now I cry and laugh and smile and be happy and sad all at the same time.
I am not really sure why I felt like I should share this but I really felt like I should. I don't want people, particularly Angie, to feel weird or guilty or sad for me or anything like that because that isn't what I am trying to accomplish by sharing these experiences. I love Kade the same as I love Evee and Monkey (my niece and nephew from another step sister) and I am so glad that I have them in my life because they always make me smile! If I never have a child of my own I am still blessed because I get to have these wonderful children and people in my life!
I met my newest nephew, Kade, for the first time yesterday; he is quite possibly perfect! I was there to take his newborn pictures and admittedly I had sort of been, well not looking forward to it. But I needed to not only because I promised my sister but also because I knew I was being pretty ridiculous.
I was soo happy, am so happy, for Angie and Kyle; but sad for myself, for Paul. I hope that everyone can try to understand that the happiness I had for my sister and brother-in-law was in no way replaced by my own selfish sadness that was accompanied by a very small undertone of jealousy..though by this point that small undercurrent was pretty much abolished.
I was thankful for the wind and the warm weather that the day had brought with it because if not for that weather I am quite certain my tears would have stained my cheeks. I cried because I was happy, I cried because I was sad, I was a little angry at myself for letting my emotions get the best of me, a little angry with God for giving me this situation but at the same time thankful for his guidance and his love. I was sad that it was me having to struggle though I would NEVER wish this struggle on anyone else, not even my greatest enemy. I had to give it all to God before I went in the house because I wasn't sure that if I held onto it all myself I would be able to handle it..that I would be able to keep from crying or laughing or standing on my head in the corner of the room.
I didn't want to take away from their happiness..I didn't want to make what was soo special for them less special because I have issues because I know that if the situation were reversed she wouldn't either. I guess I have to confess that I miss Angie..I shared this whole experience with her and she has been wonderfully supportive about everything and she is always there for me, always has been. I haven't been sharing as much with Angie as I used to for fear of ruining something for her though I am not really convinced I could.
My accident was during the same time she was in labor with Kade and the next morning when I heard from her I just remember sitting and crying as hard as I ever had for about 10 minutes all the while smiling and being so overjoyed that he was here. It was the same reaction that I had when I held him for the first time (or rather after I left the house that night) and still now I cry and laugh and smile and be happy and sad all at the same time.
I am not really sure why I felt like I should share this but I really felt like I should. I don't want people, particularly Angie, to feel weird or guilty or sad for me or anything like that because that isn't what I am trying to accomplish by sharing these experiences. I love Kade the same as I love Evee and Monkey (my niece and nephew from another step sister) and I am so glad that I have them in my life because they always make me smile! If I never have a child of my own I am still blessed because I get to have these wonderful children and people in my life!
Thursday, February 3, 2011
JUNE 2011
So I talked to the people at the Dr. Foulks' office today and they told me the timeline for their IVF cycles; basically they do every even month (ie: Feb, April, June, August..etc....) I also had a long talk with Paul today and we decided concretely on shooting for May..since they do June cycles and don't do a May cycle we are going to be doing IVF in JUNE!!
Paul had taken the time off at the end of June for our anniversary, we were going to take a trip just the two of us somewhere nice since we never got to take a honeymoon or anything..but..it looks like we may be at the RE getting knocked up!! I have never been so excited about anything EVER..except maybe my wedding day!!
Now I know its not the end of the journey but it is the end of one chapter..or it will be once we get there! And I also know we could be unsuccessful and I am just going to 'know it' instead of dwelling on it and making it a focus..There is entirely too much room for hope for me to waste my energy on being negative so I am not going to be!
We plan to spend the next 4 months saving as much money as we can and working towards being as debt free as possible. We would like to be in a home of our own this time next year (so shortly before our baby(ies) would be here) or sooner if the good Lord blesses us with such an opportunity!
I also want to thank everyone who has been supportive to me through this whole journey. A special thanks to Debbie,Angie, Breezy and Sarah who have been there for me through it all! I love you guys!
Paul had taken the time off at the end of June for our anniversary, we were going to take a trip just the two of us somewhere nice since we never got to take a honeymoon or anything..but..it looks like we may be at the RE getting knocked up!! I have never been so excited about anything EVER..except maybe my wedding day!!
Now I know its not the end of the journey but it is the end of one chapter..or it will be once we get there! And I also know we could be unsuccessful and I am just going to 'know it' instead of dwelling on it and making it a focus..There is entirely too much room for hope for me to waste my energy on being negative so I am not going to be!
We plan to spend the next 4 months saving as much money as we can and working towards being as debt free as possible. We would like to be in a home of our own this time next year (so shortly before our baby(ies) would be here) or sooner if the good Lord blesses us with such an opportunity!
I also want to thank everyone who has been supportive to me through this whole journey. A special thanks to Debbie,Angie, Breezy and Sarah who have been there for me through it all! I love you guys!
Jeremiah 29:11-14
I have been asking friends to share with me the verses that they hold dear. Verses that speak to them or have gotten them through some hard times. I have also asked for inspirational quotes and sayings and today my friend Kelsey shared this verse with me:
Jeremiah 29:11-14
“I know what I’m doing. I have it all planned out–plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for. When you call on me, when you come and pray t...o me, I’ll listen. When you come looking for me, you’ll find me. Yes, when you get serious about finding me and want it more than anything else, I’ll make sure you won’t be disappointed. I’ll turn things around for you…You can count on it.”
It spoke to me. This is exactly the perfect verse to get me through this struggle. I hope you all enjoy it as well!
Jeremiah 29:11-14
“I know what I’m doing. I have it all planned out–plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for. When you call on me, when you come and pray t...o me, I’ll listen. When you come looking for me, you’ll find me. Yes, when you get serious about finding me and want it more than anything else, I’ll make sure you won’t be disappointed. I’ll turn things around for you…You can count on it.”
It spoke to me. This is exactly the perfect verse to get me through this struggle. I hope you all enjoy it as well!
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
What is IVF
I have been talking a lot about IVF and it occured to me that so many people are unaware of what it really is and so many people I talk to automatically think of Jon and Kate plus 8 or Octomom..those are rare cases! In the IVF world anything more than 1 baby isn't considered a success.
Here is a link to a description of the treatment and all that IVF really entails: http://utahfertility.com/utah/treatment/IvfCycle.aspx
Here is a link about the risks involved with IVF: http://utahfertility.com/utah/treatment/IvfRisks.aspx
Today I have been doing quite a bit of research on different ways we can get meds paid for or discount programs and such. Luckily our REs office in Utah works with a place called Fertility Lifelines
(link: http://www.fertilitylifelines.com/index.jsp) and many of their patients have recieved free or discounted meds. I have also found a few other similar sites willing to do one free round of meds or sites that offer great discounts to couples who qualify.
Our RE office is also doing a progesterone supplement with IVF study which if we qualify could save us 20% ($1686.00) that would be AMAZING!! Especially if we were able to couple that 20% discount with discounted or free meds we could end up spending less than $9000 all together (of course not including the cryopreservation of embryos..hopefully we have plenty!)
I also don't think that I have ever really talked about a timeline that we would like 'stick' to as closely as possible, assuming that we don't change our minds as far as how many kids we would like to have. Of course there are some variables such as # of frosties (frozen embryos), # of IVF cycles before a successful pregnancy, # of embryos transferred and successfully carried, etc..
But here is a rough idea of what we would like to do (and for the sake of argument we will assume our first IVF cycle is successful):
IVF Cycle #1 - June 2011
EDD: March 2012 (assuming normal singleton pregnancy)
**Nurse for 6 months**
FET Cycle 1 or IVF Cycle #2 (plan to do FET if we have quality frosties): September 2012
***REPEAT until we have reached the desired number of children (probably 8)
I know I know..maybe I am crazy but I have ALWAYS wanted a big family and if we plan for it accordingly we will be able to achieve that and still have some money in the bank though I won't promise we will be totally sane afterwards!! haha..I am trying to be optimistic and look for the good that can come from it all. Its hard to see ourselves with 8 kids when we are still just hoping to be able to concieve 1 but I am confident and I believe in God and I believe that He put me here to be a mom to wonderful kids and make them honest, hard working, productive citezens of this country and world.
Here is a link to a description of the treatment and all that IVF really entails: http://utahfertility.com/utah/treatment/IvfCycle.aspx
Here is a link about the risks involved with IVF: http://utahfertility.com/utah/treatment/IvfRisks.aspx
Today I have been doing quite a bit of research on different ways we can get meds paid for or discount programs and such. Luckily our REs office in Utah works with a place called Fertility Lifelines
(link: http://www.fertilitylifelines.com/index.jsp) and many of their patients have recieved free or discounted meds. I have also found a few other similar sites willing to do one free round of meds or sites that offer great discounts to couples who qualify.
Our RE office is also doing a progesterone supplement with IVF study which if we qualify could save us 20% ($1686.00) that would be AMAZING!! Especially if we were able to couple that 20% discount with discounted or free meds we could end up spending less than $9000 all together (of course not including the cryopreservation of embryos..hopefully we have plenty!)
I also don't think that I have ever really talked about a timeline that we would like 'stick' to as closely as possible, assuming that we don't change our minds as far as how many kids we would like to have. Of course there are some variables such as # of frosties (frozen embryos), # of IVF cycles before a successful pregnancy, # of embryos transferred and successfully carried, etc..
But here is a rough idea of what we would like to do (and for the sake of argument we will assume our first IVF cycle is successful):
IVF Cycle #1 - June 2011
EDD: March 2012 (assuming normal singleton pregnancy)
**Nurse for 6 months**
FET Cycle 1 or IVF Cycle #2 (plan to do FET if we have quality frosties): September 2012
***REPEAT until we have reached the desired number of children (probably 8)
I know I know..maybe I am crazy but I have ALWAYS wanted a big family and if we plan for it accordingly we will be able to achieve that and still have some money in the bank though I won't promise we will be totally sane afterwards!! haha..I am trying to be optimistic and look for the good that can come from it all. Its hard to see ourselves with 8 kids when we are still just hoping to be able to concieve 1 but I am confident and I believe in God and I believe that He put me here to be a mom to wonderful kids and make them honest, hard working, productive citezens of this country and world.
Monday, January 31, 2011
Love
The never ending ups and downs of this journey can be soo exhausting! But so motivating. I have learned so much and the journey isn't even close to over yet. It amazes me the support I have from the family and friends that we have shared our struggles with. I have met new and amazing women through all of this and though we haven't met in person I know that they are praying for me everyday, same as I do for them. The love that God has given us the ability to share with one another has truly been a saving grace.
We have not decided concretely on a date for IVF but I do have an appointment for a water ultrasound on the 10th of February and that is when we will discuss our options with the Dr and the scheduling nurse and the financial advisor. Though I am convinced that financing it is our best bet Paul is still on the fence about it. I know him too well though I know that it would be much easier for him to write a $200 check ever month than it will be for him to write a $10,000 check just once..we will have to see how it goes.
Today my verse is about love. It is a virtue that I am so greatful for everyday!
1 Corinthians 13: 4-7
4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
We have not decided concretely on a date for IVF but I do have an appointment for a water ultrasound on the 10th of February and that is when we will discuss our options with the Dr and the scheduling nurse and the financial advisor. Though I am convinced that financing it is our best bet Paul is still on the fence about it. I know him too well though I know that it would be much easier for him to write a $200 check ever month than it will be for him to write a $10,000 check just once..we will have to see how it goes.
Today my verse is about love. It is a virtue that I am so greatful for everyday!
1 Corinthians 13: 4-7
4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
the truth of the struggle
I am feeling a little alone. A little scared. Defeated. Nervous. Angry. Sad. Jealous. Worried. Stressed. Weak.
Not a whole lot of positive emotions today. A total 360 from yesterday, for the most part. This is what IF does to you. And as if the emotional stuff isn't enough to deal with there is the crappy side of having to deal with the financial stress of it all..IVF is NOT cheap at all and not only do you have to come to terms with your feelings of unworthiness and failure and the fact that you can't have a child on your own you now have to grasp the concept of having to pay a Dr. 10-20 thousand dollars to mix your baby in a lab dish then reintroduce it to your body with only the hope that he or she will stick.
Talk about deromanicizing the whole process!!
I came to terms with the fact that I couldn't give my husband a child without serious intervention a long time ago, sometimes it still makes me sad but for the most part I have accepted it as Gods plan and I am simply greatful that its still very possible. And I am willing to give anything to get there!
I wish that I could say the same for Paul..he is still struggling.
He is struggling with the fact that we can't do it on our own and his Faith isn't as strong as mine. He is having a hard time being okay with the parting of sooo much cash all at once but isn't really comfortable with the idea of "Financing a Baby"; an idea that I feel gives us a really REALLY good shot at becoming parents NOW while still leaving us with money in savings for emergencies and baby expenses and to save to put down on a house in the spring and I feel it could be our best option..he isn't convinced.
I wish that he could understand my feelings of NOW..I am not a patient person, I never have been, I just want to make the best decision possible and still have what we want. Is that being irresponsible? Selfish? I am not really sure..maybe I suppose but I just want my kids and my family to have it all..within reason of course..and I want to make the right decision now so we don't have to suffer or sacrafice later!
Dear Lord:
Please hear my cries. Hear my prayer. Please open my heart to you so that I may see clearly the plan you have laid out for us. Help Paul to come to terms with all of this and cope with it and help him to be able to understand me and I him. Help us to communicate more effectively with one another. Lord guide us and protect us.
In Jesus Name Amen
Verse of the Day:
Matthew 6: 25-27
Do Not Worry
25 “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? 26 Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27 Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?
Not a whole lot of positive emotions today. A total 360 from yesterday, for the most part. This is what IF does to you. And as if the emotional stuff isn't enough to deal with there is the crappy side of having to deal with the financial stress of it all..IVF is NOT cheap at all and not only do you have to come to terms with your feelings of unworthiness and failure and the fact that you can't have a child on your own you now have to grasp the concept of having to pay a Dr. 10-20 thousand dollars to mix your baby in a lab dish then reintroduce it to your body with only the hope that he or she will stick.
Talk about deromanicizing the whole process!!
I came to terms with the fact that I couldn't give my husband a child without serious intervention a long time ago, sometimes it still makes me sad but for the most part I have accepted it as Gods plan and I am simply greatful that its still very possible. And I am willing to give anything to get there!
I wish that I could say the same for Paul..he is still struggling.
He is struggling with the fact that we can't do it on our own and his Faith isn't as strong as mine. He is having a hard time being okay with the parting of sooo much cash all at once but isn't really comfortable with the idea of "Financing a Baby"; an idea that I feel gives us a really REALLY good shot at becoming parents NOW while still leaving us with money in savings for emergencies and baby expenses and to save to put down on a house in the spring and I feel it could be our best option..he isn't convinced.
I wish that he could understand my feelings of NOW..I am not a patient person, I never have been, I just want to make the best decision possible and still have what we want. Is that being irresponsible? Selfish? I am not really sure..maybe I suppose but I just want my kids and my family to have it all..within reason of course..and I want to make the right decision now so we don't have to suffer or sacrafice later!
Dear Lord:
Please hear my cries. Hear my prayer. Please open my heart to you so that I may see clearly the plan you have laid out for us. Help Paul to come to terms with all of this and cope with it and help him to be able to understand me and I him. Help us to communicate more effectively with one another. Lord guide us and protect us.
In Jesus Name Amen
Verse of the Day:
Matthew 6: 25-27
Do Not Worry
25 “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? 26 Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27 Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
2nd Opinion!
Its been a long time, or it feels like a long time, since I have updated this.
I also feel a little bit like I have been gaurded in my writings here and my goal when I started this was to be open and honest and share my experience..the whole thing..even, maybe even especially, the hard and trying parts. So that will start now!
First a little update on progress:
We had a second opinion with Dr. Foulk via his Utah clinic! He gave me the same options as Dr. Allen and Dr. Fisch so we are FOR SURE looking at IVF! Dr. Foulk was wonderful, he was VERY optimistic that we would be successful and confident that we could be pregnant by May (obviously barring any financial barriers).
Speaking of Finances...UGH..well what is there to say really? So we still, after 5 WEEKS, have our wrecked and totalled car in our driveway!! GRRRR..BUT it should be picked up today..THANK GOODNESS! Hopefully after that it won't take long to get our settlement and such so we can buy a car and pay off some of the student loans and HAVE MONEY FOR IVF!!!!!!!
I also found a company that does medical financing and we are looking into that as well to hopefully speed up the process.
Dr Foulks Utah office offers the 'Attain Multi-Cycle Plan" which is 2 IVF cycles and 2 FET cycles for a little over 11k..that is GREAT! That is what we are leaning towards as far as what plan to do because it is the fiscally sensible I guess you could say. It is all becoming soooooo real! I am so incredibly excited and nervous at the same time and scared and happy! I just know that it will be our turn soon!
I thank God every day for the life I have been given and I am so thankful that I am at a point now where I am just as thankful for my struggles as I am for my triumphs. I pray that I am always and forever in his grace. I pray that I continue to hold tightly to him and reach for him especially in my hour of weakness.
The Lord is good and may he bless you all.
Verse of the day:
Psalm 113:9 (NLT) "He gives the childless woman a family making her a happy mother. Praise the Lord!"
I also feel a little bit like I have been gaurded in my writings here and my goal when I started this was to be open and honest and share my experience..the whole thing..even, maybe even especially, the hard and trying parts. So that will start now!
First a little update on progress:
We had a second opinion with Dr. Foulk via his Utah clinic! He gave me the same options as Dr. Allen and Dr. Fisch so we are FOR SURE looking at IVF! Dr. Foulk was wonderful, he was VERY optimistic that we would be successful and confident that we could be pregnant by May (obviously barring any financial barriers).
Speaking of Finances...UGH..well what is there to say really? So we still, after 5 WEEKS, have our wrecked and totalled car in our driveway!! GRRRR..BUT it should be picked up today..THANK GOODNESS! Hopefully after that it won't take long to get our settlement and such so we can buy a car and pay off some of the student loans and HAVE MONEY FOR IVF!!!!!!!
I also found a company that does medical financing and we are looking into that as well to hopefully speed up the process.
Dr Foulks Utah office offers the 'Attain Multi-Cycle Plan" which is 2 IVF cycles and 2 FET cycles for a little over 11k..that is GREAT! That is what we are leaning towards as far as what plan to do because it is the fiscally sensible I guess you could say. It is all becoming soooooo real! I am so incredibly excited and nervous at the same time and scared and happy! I just know that it will be our turn soon!
I thank God every day for the life I have been given and I am so thankful that I am at a point now where I am just as thankful for my struggles as I am for my triumphs. I pray that I am always and forever in his grace. I pray that I continue to hold tightly to him and reach for him especially in my hour of weakness.
The Lord is good and may he bless you all.
Verse of the day:
Psalm 113:9 (NLT) "He gives the childless woman a family making her a happy mother. Praise the Lord!"
Monday, January 10, 2011
I can't decide if writing is truly theraputic for me or the cause of my recent insanity. In the midst of all that I have going on with school and work and family and of course IF I can't seem to stop writing. writing a blog, writing a book, writing in one of 3 journals...I cannot seem to shut my brain off!
As a result of my over active brain I have gotten miniscule amounts of sleep and even less done around the house! But I must confess..I LOVE IT!!
I love the writers cramps and feeling that my fingers are going a million miles a minute and still can't keep up with my brain. I love that I feel so content when I complete a chapter or even a paragraph. I love that I feel healed when I have reviewed, in my writiting, some very difficult times in my journey and life in general.
I feel happy!
As a result of my over active brain I have gotten miniscule amounts of sleep and even less done around the house! But I must confess..I LOVE IT!!
I love the writers cramps and feeling that my fingers are going a million miles a minute and still can't keep up with my brain. I love that I feel so content when I complete a chapter or even a paragraph. I love that I feel healed when I have reviewed, in my writiting, some very difficult times in my journey and life in general.
I feel happy!
Friday, January 7, 2011
Contentment!
I worked on my book lastnight for a few hours and it is coming along quite nicely. I am pleased, although I could do without the sleeplessness that comes from not being able to put my thoughts on hold so I can go to bed.
Today is a good day. I am happy and feeling very blessed. Paul has asked me to please get another opinion about unblocking my tubes so I have a phone consult with an RE in Salt Lake today. I kind of feel like its taking a step back but I think he needs that closure. As it is anyways the car accident pushed our IVF back to March anyhow so I guess it wont hurt to use this time and double check.
No matter what the new doc says today I am feeling like we are so close to having our precious miracle in our arms..IVF in March or a procedure to unblock tubes sometime in late January or early February..I think either will lead us to where we want to be!
Today is a good day. I am happy and feeling very blessed. Paul has asked me to please get another opinion about unblocking my tubes so I have a phone consult with an RE in Salt Lake today. I kind of feel like its taking a step back but I think he needs that closure. As it is anyways the car accident pushed our IVF back to March anyhow so I guess it wont hurt to use this time and double check.
No matter what the new doc says today I am feeling like we are so close to having our precious miracle in our arms..IVF in March or a procedure to unblock tubes sometime in late January or early February..I think either will lead us to where we want to be!
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