Sunday, December 11, 2011

Isaiah 46:4

Well it has certainly been a while.
Partially because Paul wanted me to take a break from writing and partially because I felt at a loss for what to say. But mostly because we weren't really moving in any direction at any speed at all.

I sit here now at 4:30 in the morning compelled to share this verse with you
I have made you and I will carry you; I will sustain you and I will rescue you.  - Isaiah 46:4

I read that verse on a painting at bible study last week and it touched my heart. Sometimes I just need to be reminded that God is the maker and the creator and that He will never abandon us. Even though sometimes I feel alone I am not God is ALWAYS there. When I feel too weak to walk any further He has carried me. And because he rescued me I will be forever sustained because of HIM.

I just needed a little reminder as we continue to take this roller coaster of a journey towards having a family.

God Bless you all!

Thursday, July 14, 2011

What Inspires you??

Yesterday was a LONG day and I have to admit that I wasn't in the best of moods when I arrived for my interview. When I walked through the I was greeted by Dr and Mrs. Van Tassel they were happy to see me and just really nice people so they showed me the office and I sat down for my interview and the first question they asked.....??

What inspires you?
It made me think about the days events and the sadness that is forever associated with July the 11th and I decided that people inspire me. People caring about others and offering to help and being willing to give so readily of themselves without expecting anything in return.

Just when you think the world is totally evil and that there aren't really any 'good' people left they surprise you. People help people. The community comes together for one grieving family, for one lost child.

It is a little proof from God that he hasn't totally given up on us yet. Help someone today just because you can. God Bless

Monday, July 11, 2011


July 11. It is a day I wish I could erase from my calendar forever..just skip it and pretend it was never there..
July 11, 2010 Diana Buckmaster, a dear friend and mentor and at times another mom passed away all to soon.
July 11, 2011 Justin Hultenschmidt took his life into his own hands, a choice that ended in tragedy.

Diana was a mother of two, Kadee had just graduated and Hayden would graduate the following year. She has been gone a year now and though her children are living life and are succeeding in all that they had dreamed of the reality is that she missed it. Gods plan and Gods timing may never make sense to me at all but I trust in him so completely that I find some solace.

Justin was a bright young man with the whole world in front of him. His passing has left so many with questions. He made a choice that he can never take back a choice that ended much more than his own life. I am sure people will blame themselves and some will blame others and a few will even blame Justin and a few more will blame God but the truth is we may never understand, its not for us to understand as hard as that makes things. All that is left to do now is pray for his family. His mom and dad and his younger brother.

Tell the people that you love that you love them before it is to late.

Thursday, July 7, 2011


It has been a while since I have written I feel like I go through spurts where I write a lot and then I don't. At any rate I am here now and unfortunately there isn't much to update you all on. We have to do a few more tests and things of that nature I am in the process of applying for grant aide for meds and IVF services so now just waiting for all that stuff to go through and what not. Its a process that is for sure.

In other news I have made the INSANE decision to take 12 credits over the summer semester (4weeks) and of those 4 classes (3 credits each) I have 2 english classes, 1 finance and 1 econ class..and a combined total of..are you ready??.............150 PAGES of writing assignments..and yes you read that right ONE-HUNDRED-FIFTY PAGES in 4 WEEKS!! oh goodness..
If I am not crazy now I will be by the end of this semester!

Tuesday, May 31, 2011

IVF Sisters

It has become so blatantly apparent to me in the last few months that I am not alone in this. That I have such a great group of women that are there for me to offer me their support, their shoulders, thier stories and most importantly their friendship. I try my very best to do the same for them and most times I feel like I haven't held up my end..but the most wonderful thing about friends is that they forgive and they understand.

As much as I am happy to have someone who truly understands I am saddened that they are having to suffer through the same heartwrenching struggle as me. I guess I spend so much time talking about the hard parts and the struggles that I often forget to mention that it gets to a point where its kind of exciting. That you get to place where you are not only at peace with the journey but that you are so looking forward to the outcome. The only outcome that you really let yourself imagine. That is the outcome I want for each and every one of them without jealousy, without envy, without sadness - even for myself. I will be as happy for them as I would for myself. That is love and that is friendship.

I am so blessed that these woman are also women of faith and that we can honestly say we pray for one another everyday. I want to take this opportunity to thank my IVF sisters: Monica, Janie, Jodi and Nic. You give me strength that I would otherwise not have. You give me the support that no one else can and I hope you know I pray for the best for you :)

Tuesday, May 24, 2011


I have to work to remember that the Lord is on my side that He loves me and that He will protect me if I just ask for it. The Lord is good and He is wise and today I am laying all of my cares all of my worries, all of my troubles and all of my heartache on Him and then I will give the good Lord all the praise for my triumphs and all the the credit for my successes. I give it all to Him all the praise and all the glory. I live for Him.

Numbers 6:24-26
24 “‘“The LORD bless you
   and keep you;
25 the LORD make his face shine on you
   and be gracious to you;
26 the LORD turn his face toward you
   and give you peace.”’

Friday, May 20, 2011

The Feeling

The feeling is FAILURE.
Possibly the worst feeling EVER.

The feeling that your body has FAILED to give your heart its greatest desire.
The feeling that you have FAILED your husband. FAILED because you can't give him a family, because you can't make him a father.
The feeling that God has FAILED you.
That because you feel that way, despite trying not to and wanting to feel any other way, that you have FAILED God.

It is the feeling of FAILURE that haunts me the most; because with FAILURE comes disappointment and sadness and sometimes it even makes you hate your body a little for not doing what it is 'supposed' to be able to do, hate your heart for wanting the seemingly impossible.

Its a daily struggle with this feeling of FAILURE and some days I don't win. Some days I want to give up but most days I come out on top, or at the very least tied, and most days I know I have to fight and keep fighting. I need to know I did everything I could because one day I will be a great mom and one day I will make my husband a father.

**Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. The courage to change the things I can. And the wisdom to know the difference.**