The Question

The question is WHY.
Why me? Why us?
WHY NOT?

How?
How will we afford this?

What if?
What if it fails?
What if it never works?

I do my best to conceal the fact that this whole thing controls my life. That every thought that runs through my brain is somehow wraps back around to IVF..infertility..the money..the time..the fear of the unknown.. Its a lonely place to live. Paul gets it..kind of I suppose. but he is a man afterall. He doesn't really understand the tears or the sadness. He tries and for that I love him but he just can't understand it. This feeling of helplessness, of doubt, of jealousy, of failure.

Someone told me "you have to stop being jealous"..But they have no idea how badly I want to not be jealous. to not be holding back tears every time I see a baby in the grocery store or hear a baby cry from the back of the room. I'm not like lifetime movie kidnapping jealous I am just sad for me. For my husband.
I wish people that don't understand, that haven't been in my shoes would just keep their opinions to themselves. Dont judge me if you haven't been here.