Baby Kade

I didn't post this when I originally wrote it in my journal because I just didn't know how. I think I can now: Written January 23, 2011
I met my newest nephew, Kade, for the first time yesterday; he is quite possibly perfect! I was there to take his newborn pictures and admittedly I had sort of been, well not looking forward to it. But I needed to not only because I promised my sister but also because I knew I was being pretty ridiculous.

I was soo happy, am so happy, for Angie and Kyle; but sad for myself, for Paul. I hope that everyone can try to understand that the happiness I had for my sister and brother-in-law was in no way replaced by my own selfish sadness that was accompanied by a very small undertone of jealousy..though by this point that small undercurrent was pretty much abolished.

I was thankful for the wind and the warm weather that the day had brought with it because if not for that weather I am quite certain my tears would have stained my cheeks. I cried because I was happy, I cried because I was sad, I was a little angry at myself for letting my emotions get the best of me, a little angry with God for giving me this situation but at the same time thankful for his guidance and his love. I was sad that it was me having to struggle though I would NEVER wish this struggle on anyone else, not even my greatest enemy. I had to give it all to God before I went in the house because I wasn't sure that if I held onto it all myself I would be able to handle it..that I would be able to keep from crying or laughing or standing on my head in the corner of the room.

I didn't want to take away from their happiness..I didn't want to make what was soo special for them less special because I have issues because I know that if the situation were reversed she wouldn't either. I guess I have to confess that I miss Angie..I shared this whole experience with her and she has been wonderfully supportive about everything and she is always there for me, always has been. I haven't been sharing as much with Angie as I used to for fear of ruining something for her though I am not really convinced I could.

My accident was during the same time she was in labor with Kade and the next morning when I heard from her I just remember sitting and crying as hard as I ever had for about 10 minutes all the while smiling and being so overjoyed that he was here. It was the same reaction that I had when I held him for the first time (or rather after I left the house that night) and still now I cry and laugh and smile and be happy and sad all at the same time.

I am not really sure why I felt like I should share this but I really felt like I should. I don't want people, particularly Angie, to feel weird or guilty or sad for me or anything like that because that isn't what I am trying to accomplish by sharing these experiences. I love Kade the same as I love Evee and Monkey (my niece and nephew from another step sister) and I am so glad that I have them in my life because they always make me smile! If I never have a child of my own I am still blessed because I get to have these wonderful children and people in my life!