3 years, 3 holiday seasons,
Holidays are always hard and this year was no exception.
My sister had a baby boy on Dec 22nd, (roughly the same time I was in the ER after a car accident, more on that in a bit) He is beautiful and perfect and amazing, even if I haven't met him yet, and I am so happy for her, really I am, but its hard to watch everyone else around me getting pregnant and having babies so seemingly easy.
I also found out that a good friend of mine is expecting again, and a few other women that I know also got news of pregnancy this season. I am trying so very hard to stay positive for them because its not that I am unhappy for them because I am very excited for them but I am unhappy for myself.
On another note..the stupid car accident is forcing us to postpone our IVF treatment until March..March 21st is the first day of the cycle in LV and I will start my protocol about a week before..I am excited for it to all be in place!!
Thursday, December 30, 2010
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
3 years
Today is 3 years..I can't even believe it!
3 years of heartbreak and sadness. Its almost surreal.
All of the questioning that comes with STC, the questions of self, of God, of marriage, of life.
Those questions are at times harder than the monthly disappointment.
In the three years that we have been STC I have cried oceans of tears and had a few meltdowns.
I have been close to giving up and even closer to depression.
I have lost myself and nearly lost my faith.
I have found myself and realized it was my faith that got me through.
I have learned that depression, or rather happiness, is a choice I have to make daily.
I have found that HOPE keeps me off the edge. That HOPE is all I really have to hold onto.
I have questioned my marriage. I have asked myself "what happens if we never have a baby?"
I have wondered if I could love myself? Could I love him?
Could he love me? Would he blame me the way I blame myself?
It didn't take long to understand that we were trying to have a baby because we loved eachother first. This child wouldn't be an accident or an "oops" but a child that we deeply wanted. A child we would forever love.
This child would be our contribution to the world. It would be a living reminder of the feelings we shared for one another.
This child would be about multiplying our love. About helping our love to grow.
I have questioned my Faith, my beliefs in God.
I have wondered why I was being punished? What did I do wrong?
Then I gave up believing altogether. For a short time I let myself believe there was no God.
And because there was no God there was no one listening to my prayers.
No one to answer them. No one to help make them come true. No one for miracles.
It was the most lonely time in my life.
For that short time I was alone.
I then realized that God was not only there but that he loved me and he loved my husband and he would answer our prayers in his own way, on his own time.
I realized that my lapse in Faith was really about trying to protect myself.
Trying to protect myself from the hurt of miracles not happening and prayers not being answered when I thought they should be.
It was a way to protect myself from feeling abandoned by the God that I always knew listened to me.
It was a way to save my sanity.
I have struggled with many things in these three years and I am sure I will continue to struggle in the months to come. But in these 3 years I have learned that I will always have three things in this life: the love of God, the love of my husband/best friend, and myself.
3 years of heartbreak and sadness. Its almost surreal.
All of the questioning that comes with STC, the questions of self, of God, of marriage, of life.
Those questions are at times harder than the monthly disappointment.
In the three years that we have been STC I have cried oceans of tears and had a few meltdowns.
I have been close to giving up and even closer to depression.
I have lost myself and nearly lost my faith.
I have found myself and realized it was my faith that got me through.
I have learned that depression, or rather happiness, is a choice I have to make daily.
I have found that HOPE keeps me off the edge. That HOPE is all I really have to hold onto.
I have questioned my marriage. I have asked myself "what happens if we never have a baby?"
I have wondered if I could love myself? Could I love him?
Could he love me? Would he blame me the way I blame myself?
It didn't take long to understand that we were trying to have a baby because we loved eachother first. This child wouldn't be an accident or an "oops" but a child that we deeply wanted. A child we would forever love.
This child would be our contribution to the world. It would be a living reminder of the feelings we shared for one another.
This child would be about multiplying our love. About helping our love to grow.
I have questioned my Faith, my beliefs in God.
I have wondered why I was being punished? What did I do wrong?
Then I gave up believing altogether. For a short time I let myself believe there was no God.
And because there was no God there was no one listening to my prayers.
No one to answer them. No one to help make them come true. No one for miracles.
It was the most lonely time in my life.
For that short time I was alone.
I then realized that God was not only there but that he loved me and he loved my husband and he would answer our prayers in his own way, on his own time.
I realized that my lapse in Faith was really about trying to protect myself.
Trying to protect myself from the hurt of miracles not happening and prayers not being answered when I thought they should be.
It was a way to protect myself from feeling abandoned by the God that I always knew listened to me.
It was a way to save my sanity.
I have struggled with many things in these three years and I am sure I will continue to struggle in the months to come. But in these 3 years I have learned that I will always have three things in this life: the love of God, the love of my husband/best friend, and myself.
Monday, December 6, 2010
Hope
I wish very much that TTC had been easy; that it wasn't so expensive and trying. I wish very much that life could be simple. Sometimes I even wish I was still in Kindergarten when right and wrong were so clearly defined and falling asleep on your desk or in your luch was still considered "cute".
When playing in the sandbox and nap time were the big events of the day.
When failures and successes weren't defined as winners and losers.
Sometimes I wish I was still 5.
Today has been a hard day; a long day and its only 11 am. Even though I know that we can't concieve on our own every month I hold out just the tiniest sliver of hope that miracles can happen.
And every month they don't.
As a result of this hope I am completely broken hearted for a whole day every month.
Silly as it may be for me to do it to myself every month I still do.
Sometimes I wish I didn't believe in hope so much.
When playing in the sandbox and nap time were the big events of the day.
When failures and successes weren't defined as winners and losers.
Sometimes I wish I was still 5.
Today has been a hard day; a long day and its only 11 am. Even though I know that we can't concieve on our own every month I hold out just the tiniest sliver of hope that miracles can happen.
And every month they don't.
As a result of this hope I am completely broken hearted for a whole day every month.
Silly as it may be for me to do it to myself every month I still do.
Sometimes I wish I didn't believe in hope so much.
Monday, November 29, 2010
counting the days
65 Days until January 10th.
To most February 14th will be a day like any other day. A day for work and chores and paying bills; but for me January 10th will be anything but. January 10th will be the day we start monitoring our first m-IVF cycle in Las Vegas.
It will be the point of no return.
I am so scared and yet so very excited to start down this new path. Our struggles thus far have made us stronger and have given us the endurance we will surely need to continue in our lives weather we are successful in our IVF attempt and have a child(ren) or we have to try again.
Reaching this point where we have accepted that we will not have children on our own without medical intervention and agreeing to move forward has been a long, frustrating, tiring and challenging journey. But we have survived the first leg of the race. We have made the decision to start IVF. What comes next I can only say is another leg in the journey.
To most February 14th will be a day like any other day. A day for work and chores and paying bills; but for me January 10th will be anything but. January 10th will be the day we start monitoring our first m-IVF cycle in Las Vegas.
It will be the point of no return.
I am so scared and yet so very excited to start down this new path. Our struggles thus far have made us stronger and have given us the endurance we will surely need to continue in our lives weather we are successful in our IVF attempt and have a child(ren) or we have to try again.
Reaching this point where we have accepted that we will not have children on our own without medical intervention and agreeing to move forward has been a long, frustrating, tiring and challenging journey. But we have survived the first leg of the race. We have made the decision to start IVF. What comes next I can only say is another leg in the journey.
Monday, November 22, 2010
Struggle
In today's world it is so easy to find yourself questioning your own beliefs, morals and convictions; but nothing has ever challenged my faith the way that Infertility has.
In the years we have been struggling to conceive our first child I have found myself mad at God, hurt by God, questioning Gods plan or if there even was a "plan".
I found myself struggling with my relationship with God because I didn't know how to accept this challenge that he had given me. "Its not fair" I would say, "No one should have to suffer this way to have a child when so many who take their children for granted get them so easily."
"Why" I asked that question more times that I can count and there are days when I still ask it..The only answer I have come up with? -because I am strong and independent and I know that God will never give me more than I can handle. I am fairly certain this is the only time I have ever wished I was a weaker person.
In the years we have been struggling to conceive our first child I have found myself mad at God, hurt by God, questioning Gods plan or if there even was a "plan".
I found myself struggling with my relationship with God because I didn't know how to accept this challenge that he had given me. "Its not fair" I would say, "No one should have to suffer this way to have a child when so many who take their children for granted get them so easily."
"Why" I asked that question more times that I can count and there are days when I still ask it..The only answer I have come up with? -because I am strong and independent and I know that God will never give me more than I can handle. I am fairly certain this is the only time I have ever wished I was a weaker person.
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