Fear and Excitement

I haven't really taken much time to just write lately. And I do have a lot to write about..or at least I feel I do. Of course there is the excitement that comes with doing IVF and we are really thrilled about the opportunity and I am totally ecstatic that we got to be in the April cycle..though admittedly Paul isn't quite as thrilled mostly because the due date would fall 'right in the middle of duck season'..that is true to his nature I guess..and I love him for it.

But there is a fear present too. The fear of it not working. The fear that we will have spent all this money for nothing..well not for nothing but without success. My faith in the good Lord has gotten me here, to this place, has carried me through some dark places and some times when I wasn't sure about anything and I know that I have to continue to trust in God but I am scared.

Part of me is scared that it wont work and for financial reasons I know that my husband will likely never let me do it again but part of me is afraid that if it doesn't work I will be angry with God again, the way I was at the beggining of this struggle to concieve. I don't want to blame God, question Him, be angry with Him. I want this to work. I want to give my husband a child. I want to be a family.

But lets face it parenting is hard or rather is going to be hard. I am also scared about all the possibilities that are there if we are successful. I believe we are ready, or as ready as anyone can be, but I am still scared. What if we do it wrong? What if..what if..what if..I know I could do it all day. I am excited, thrilled, happy, nervous and anxious.

I am going to continue to pray that God will bless us with a child to love and when parenting gets hard and I start to question myself I will pray to God for strength, wisdom and guidance in that moment..but I want to get there first!