The never ending ups and downs of this journey can be soo exhausting! But so motivating. I have learned so much and the journey isn't even close to over yet. It amazes me the support I have from the family and friends that we have shared our struggles with. I have met new and amazing women through all of this and though we haven't met in person I know that they are praying for me everyday, same as I do for them. The love that God has given us the ability to share with one another has truly been a saving grace.
We have not decided concretely on a date for IVF but I do have an appointment for a water ultrasound on the 10th of February and that is when we will discuss our options with the Dr and the scheduling nurse and the financial advisor. Though I am convinced that financing it is our best bet Paul is still on the fence about it. I know him too well though I know that it would be much easier for him to write a $200 check ever month than it will be for him to write a $10,000 check just once..we will have to see how it goes.
Today my verse is about love. It is a virtue that I am so greatful for everyday!
1 Corinthians 13: 4-7
4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Monday, January 31, 2011
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
the truth of the struggle
I am feeling a little alone. A little scared. Defeated. Nervous. Angry. Sad. Jealous. Worried. Stressed. Weak.
Not a whole lot of positive emotions today. A total 360 from yesterday, for the most part. This is what IF does to you. And as if the emotional stuff isn't enough to deal with there is the crappy side of having to deal with the financial stress of it all..IVF is NOT cheap at all and not only do you have to come to terms with your feelings of unworthiness and failure and the fact that you can't have a child on your own you now have to grasp the concept of having to pay a Dr. 10-20 thousand dollars to mix your baby in a lab dish then reintroduce it to your body with only the hope that he or she will stick.
Talk about deromanicizing the whole process!!
I came to terms with the fact that I couldn't give my husband a child without serious intervention a long time ago, sometimes it still makes me sad but for the most part I have accepted it as Gods plan and I am simply greatful that its still very possible. And I am willing to give anything to get there!
I wish that I could say the same for Paul..he is still struggling.
He is struggling with the fact that we can't do it on our own and his Faith isn't as strong as mine. He is having a hard time being okay with the parting of sooo much cash all at once but isn't really comfortable with the idea of "Financing a Baby"; an idea that I feel gives us a really REALLY good shot at becoming parents NOW while still leaving us with money in savings for emergencies and baby expenses and to save to put down on a house in the spring and I feel it could be our best option..he isn't convinced.
I wish that he could understand my feelings of NOW..I am not a patient person, I never have been, I just want to make the best decision possible and still have what we want. Is that being irresponsible? Selfish? I am not really sure..maybe I suppose but I just want my kids and my family to have it all..within reason of course..and I want to make the right decision now so we don't have to suffer or sacrafice later!
Dear Lord:
Please hear my cries. Hear my prayer. Please open my heart to you so that I may see clearly the plan you have laid out for us. Help Paul to come to terms with all of this and cope with it and help him to be able to understand me and I him. Help us to communicate more effectively with one another. Lord guide us and protect us.
In Jesus Name Amen
Verse of the Day:
Matthew 6: 25-27
Do Not Worry
25 “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? 26 Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27 Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?
Not a whole lot of positive emotions today. A total 360 from yesterday, for the most part. This is what IF does to you. And as if the emotional stuff isn't enough to deal with there is the crappy side of having to deal with the financial stress of it all..IVF is NOT cheap at all and not only do you have to come to terms with your feelings of unworthiness and failure and the fact that you can't have a child on your own you now have to grasp the concept of having to pay a Dr. 10-20 thousand dollars to mix your baby in a lab dish then reintroduce it to your body with only the hope that he or she will stick.
Talk about deromanicizing the whole process!!
I came to terms with the fact that I couldn't give my husband a child without serious intervention a long time ago, sometimes it still makes me sad but for the most part I have accepted it as Gods plan and I am simply greatful that its still very possible. And I am willing to give anything to get there!
I wish that I could say the same for Paul..he is still struggling.
He is struggling with the fact that we can't do it on our own and his Faith isn't as strong as mine. He is having a hard time being okay with the parting of sooo much cash all at once but isn't really comfortable with the idea of "Financing a Baby"; an idea that I feel gives us a really REALLY good shot at becoming parents NOW while still leaving us with money in savings for emergencies and baby expenses and to save to put down on a house in the spring and I feel it could be our best option..he isn't convinced.
I wish that he could understand my feelings of NOW..I am not a patient person, I never have been, I just want to make the best decision possible and still have what we want. Is that being irresponsible? Selfish? I am not really sure..maybe I suppose but I just want my kids and my family to have it all..within reason of course..and I want to make the right decision now so we don't have to suffer or sacrafice later!
Dear Lord:
Please hear my cries. Hear my prayer. Please open my heart to you so that I may see clearly the plan you have laid out for us. Help Paul to come to terms with all of this and cope with it and help him to be able to understand me and I him. Help us to communicate more effectively with one another. Lord guide us and protect us.
In Jesus Name Amen
Verse of the Day:
Matthew 6: 25-27
Do Not Worry
25 “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? 26 Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27 Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
2nd Opinion!
Its been a long time, or it feels like a long time, since I have updated this.
I also feel a little bit like I have been gaurded in my writings here and my goal when I started this was to be open and honest and share my experience..the whole thing..even, maybe even especially, the hard and trying parts. So that will start now!
First a little update on progress:
We had a second opinion with Dr. Foulk via his Utah clinic! He gave me the same options as Dr. Allen and Dr. Fisch so we are FOR SURE looking at IVF! Dr. Foulk was wonderful, he was VERY optimistic that we would be successful and confident that we could be pregnant by May (obviously barring any financial barriers).
Speaking of Finances...UGH..well what is there to say really? So we still, after 5 WEEKS, have our wrecked and totalled car in our driveway!! GRRRR..BUT it should be picked up today..THANK GOODNESS! Hopefully after that it won't take long to get our settlement and such so we can buy a car and pay off some of the student loans and HAVE MONEY FOR IVF!!!!!!!
I also found a company that does medical financing and we are looking into that as well to hopefully speed up the process.
Dr Foulks Utah office offers the 'Attain Multi-Cycle Plan" which is 2 IVF cycles and 2 FET cycles for a little over 11k..that is GREAT! That is what we are leaning towards as far as what plan to do because it is the fiscally sensible I guess you could say. It is all becoming soooooo real! I am so incredibly excited and nervous at the same time and scared and happy! I just know that it will be our turn soon!
I thank God every day for the life I have been given and I am so thankful that I am at a point now where I am just as thankful for my struggles as I am for my triumphs. I pray that I am always and forever in his grace. I pray that I continue to hold tightly to him and reach for him especially in my hour of weakness.
The Lord is good and may he bless you all.
Verse of the day:
Psalm 113:9 (NLT) "He gives the childless woman a family making her a happy mother. Praise the Lord!"
I also feel a little bit like I have been gaurded in my writings here and my goal when I started this was to be open and honest and share my experience..the whole thing..even, maybe even especially, the hard and trying parts. So that will start now!
First a little update on progress:
We had a second opinion with Dr. Foulk via his Utah clinic! He gave me the same options as Dr. Allen and Dr. Fisch so we are FOR SURE looking at IVF! Dr. Foulk was wonderful, he was VERY optimistic that we would be successful and confident that we could be pregnant by May (obviously barring any financial barriers).
Speaking of Finances...UGH..well what is there to say really? So we still, after 5 WEEKS, have our wrecked and totalled car in our driveway!! GRRRR..BUT it should be picked up today..THANK GOODNESS! Hopefully after that it won't take long to get our settlement and such so we can buy a car and pay off some of the student loans and HAVE MONEY FOR IVF!!!!!!!
I also found a company that does medical financing and we are looking into that as well to hopefully speed up the process.
Dr Foulks Utah office offers the 'Attain Multi-Cycle Plan" which is 2 IVF cycles and 2 FET cycles for a little over 11k..that is GREAT! That is what we are leaning towards as far as what plan to do because it is the fiscally sensible I guess you could say. It is all becoming soooooo real! I am so incredibly excited and nervous at the same time and scared and happy! I just know that it will be our turn soon!
I thank God every day for the life I have been given and I am so thankful that I am at a point now where I am just as thankful for my struggles as I am for my triumphs. I pray that I am always and forever in his grace. I pray that I continue to hold tightly to him and reach for him especially in my hour of weakness.
The Lord is good and may he bless you all.
Verse of the day:
Psalm 113:9 (NLT) "He gives the childless woman a family making her a happy mother. Praise the Lord!"
Monday, January 10, 2011
I can't decide if writing is truly theraputic for me or the cause of my recent insanity. In the midst of all that I have going on with school and work and family and of course IF I can't seem to stop writing. writing a blog, writing a book, writing in one of 3 journals...I cannot seem to shut my brain off!
As a result of my over active brain I have gotten miniscule amounts of sleep and even less done around the house! But I must confess..I LOVE IT!!
I love the writers cramps and feeling that my fingers are going a million miles a minute and still can't keep up with my brain. I love that I feel so content when I complete a chapter or even a paragraph. I love that I feel healed when I have reviewed, in my writiting, some very difficult times in my journey and life in general.
I feel happy!
As a result of my over active brain I have gotten miniscule amounts of sleep and even less done around the house! But I must confess..I LOVE IT!!
I love the writers cramps and feeling that my fingers are going a million miles a minute and still can't keep up with my brain. I love that I feel so content when I complete a chapter or even a paragraph. I love that I feel healed when I have reviewed, in my writiting, some very difficult times in my journey and life in general.
I feel happy!
Friday, January 7, 2011
Contentment!
I worked on my book lastnight for a few hours and it is coming along quite nicely. I am pleased, although I could do without the sleeplessness that comes from not being able to put my thoughts on hold so I can go to bed.
Today is a good day. I am happy and feeling very blessed. Paul has asked me to please get another opinion about unblocking my tubes so I have a phone consult with an RE in Salt Lake today. I kind of feel like its taking a step back but I think he needs that closure. As it is anyways the car accident pushed our IVF back to March anyhow so I guess it wont hurt to use this time and double check.
No matter what the new doc says today I am feeling like we are so close to having our precious miracle in our arms..IVF in March or a procedure to unblock tubes sometime in late January or early February..I think either will lead us to where we want to be!
Today is a good day. I am happy and feeling very blessed. Paul has asked me to please get another opinion about unblocking my tubes so I have a phone consult with an RE in Salt Lake today. I kind of feel like its taking a step back but I think he needs that closure. As it is anyways the car accident pushed our IVF back to March anyhow so I guess it wont hurt to use this time and double check.
No matter what the new doc says today I am feeling like we are so close to having our precious miracle in our arms..IVF in March or a procedure to unblock tubes sometime in late January or early February..I think either will lead us to where we want to be!
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