the truth of the struggle

I am feeling a little alone. A little scared. Defeated. Nervous. Angry. Sad. Jealous. Worried. Stressed. Weak.

Not a whole lot of positive emotions today. A total 360 from yesterday, for the most part. This is what IF does to you. And as if the emotional stuff isn't enough to deal with there is the crappy side of having to deal with the financial stress of it all..IVF is NOT cheap at all and not only do you have to come to terms with your feelings of unworthiness and failure and the fact that you can't have a child on your own you now have to grasp the concept of having to pay a Dr. 10-20 thousand dollars to mix your baby in a lab dish then reintroduce it to your body with only the hope that he or she will stick.

Talk about deromanicizing the whole process!!

I came to terms with the fact that I couldn't give my husband a child without serious intervention a long time ago, sometimes it still makes me sad but for the most part I have accepted it as Gods plan and I am simply greatful that its still very possible. And I am willing to give anything to get there!

I wish that I could say the same for Paul..he is still struggling.

He is struggling with the fact that we can't do it on our own and his Faith isn't as strong as mine. He is having a hard time being okay with the parting of sooo much cash all at once but isn't really comfortable with the idea of "Financing a Baby"; an idea that I feel gives us a really REALLY good shot at becoming parents NOW while still leaving us with money in savings for emergencies and baby expenses and to save to put down on a house in the spring and I feel it could be our best option..he isn't convinced.

I wish that he could understand my feelings of NOW..I am not a patient person, I never have been, I just want to make the best decision possible and still have what we want. Is that being irresponsible? Selfish? I am not really sure..maybe I suppose but I just want my kids and my family to have it all..within reason of course..and I want to make the right decision now so we don't have to suffer or sacrafice later!

Dear Lord:
Please hear my cries. Hear my prayer. Please open my heart to you so that I may see clearly the plan you have laid out for us. Help Paul to come to terms with all of this and cope with it and help him to be able to understand me and I him. Help us to communicate more effectively with one another. Lord guide us and protect us.

In Jesus Name Amen

Verse of the Day:
Matthew 6: 25-27
Do Not Worry
25 “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? 26 Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27 Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?