3 years

Today is 3 years..I can't even believe it!
3 years of heartbreak and sadness. Its almost surreal.

All of the questioning that comes with STC, the questions of self, of God, of marriage, of life.
Those questions are at times harder than the monthly disappointment.

In the three years that we have been STC I have cried oceans of tears and had a few meltdowns.
I have been close to giving up and even closer to depression.
I have lost myself and nearly lost my faith.

I have found myself and realized it was my faith that got me through.
I have learned that depression, or rather happiness,  is a choice I have to make daily.
I have found that HOPE keeps me off the edge. That HOPE is all I really have to hold onto.

I have questioned my marriage. I have asked myself "what happens if we never have a baby?"
I have wondered if I could love myself? Could I love him?
Could he love me? Would he blame me the way I blame myself?
It didn't take long to understand that we were trying to have a baby because we loved eachother first. This child wouldn't be an accident or an "oops" but a child that we deeply wanted. A child we would forever love.
This child would be our contribution to the world. It would be a living reminder of the feelings we shared for one another.
This child would be about multiplying our love. About helping our love to grow.

I have questioned my Faith, my beliefs in God.
I have wondered why I was being punished? What did I do wrong?
Then I gave up believing altogether. For a short time I let myself believe there was no God.
And because there was no God there was no one listening to my prayers.
No one to answer them. No one to help make them come true. No one for miracles.
It was the most lonely time in my life.
For that short time I was alone.
I then realized that God was not only there but that he loved me and he loved my husband and he would answer our prayers in his own way, on his own time.
I realized that my lapse in Faith was really about trying to protect myself.
Trying to protect myself from the hurt of miracles not happening and prayers not being answered when I thought they should be.
It was a way to protect myself from feeling abandoned by the God that I always knew listened to me.
It was a way to save my sanity.

 I have struggled with many things in these three years and I am sure I will continue to struggle in the months to come. But in these 3 years I have learned that I will always have three things in this life: the love of God, the love of my husband/best friend, and myself.