IVF Sisters

It has become so blatantly apparent to me in the last few months that I am not alone in this. That I have such a great group of women that are there for me to offer me their support, their shoulders, thier stories and most importantly their friendship. I try my very best to do the same for them and most times I feel like I haven't held up my end..but the most wonderful thing about friends is that they forgive and they understand.

As much as I am happy to have someone who truly understands I am saddened that they are having to suffer through the same heartwrenching struggle as me. I guess I spend so much time talking about the hard parts and the struggles that I often forget to mention that it gets to a point where its kind of exciting. That you get to place where you are not only at peace with the journey but that you are so looking forward to the outcome. The only outcome that you really let yourself imagine. That is the outcome I want for each and every one of them without jealousy, without envy, without sadness - even for myself. I will be as happy for them as I would for myself. That is love and that is friendship.

I am so blessed that these woman are also women of faith and that we can honestly say we pray for one another everyday. I want to take this opportunity to thank my IVF sisters: Monica, Janie, Jodi and Nic. You give me strength that I would otherwise not have. You give me the support that no one else can and I hope you know I pray for the best for you :)

Goodness

I have to work to remember that the Lord is on my side that He loves me and that He will protect me if I just ask for it. The Lord is good and He is wise and today I am laying all of my cares all of my worries, all of my troubles and all of my heartache on Him and then I will give the good Lord all the praise for my triumphs and all the the credit for my successes. I give it all to Him all the praise and all the glory. I live for Him.

Numbers 6:24-26
²⁴ “‘“The LORD bless you
   and keep you;
²⁵ the LORD make his face shine on you
   and be gracious to you;
²⁶ the LORD turn his face toward you
   and give you peace.”’

The Feeling

The feeling is FAILURE.
Possibly the worst feeling EVER.

The feeling that your body has FAILED to give your heart its greatest desire.
The feeling that you have FAILED your husband. FAILED because you can't give him a family, because you can't make him a father.
The feeling that God has FAILED you.
and
That because you feel that way, despite trying not to and wanting to feel any other way, that you have FAILED God.

It is the feeling of FAILURE that haunts me the most; because with FAILURE comes disappointment and sadness and sometimes it even makes you hate your body a little for not doing what it is 'supposed' to be able to do, hate your heart for wanting the seemingly impossible.

Its a daily struggle with this feeling of FAILURE and some days I don't win. Some days I want to give up but most days I come out on top, or at the very least tied, and most days I know I have to fight and keep fighting. I need to know I did everything I could because one day I will be a great mom and one day I will make my husband a father.

**Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. The courage to change the things I can. And the wisdom to know the difference.**

Interesting Sites

I found a couple of new sites that have some great resources for people stuggling with IF. They are advocacy sites helping to bring awareness to the issue of INFERTILITY.

http://www.resolve.org/
http://www.filltheirarms.com/

Check them out. Spread the word about IF.

The Question

The question is WHY.
Why me? Why us?
WHY NOT?

How?
How will we afford this?

What if?
What if it fails?
What if it never works?

I do my best to conceal the fact that this whole thing controls my life. That every thought that runs through my brain is somehow wraps back around to IVF..infertility..the money..the time..the fear of the unknown.. Its a lonely place to live. Paul gets it..kind of I suppose. but he is a man afterall. He doesn't really understand the tears or the sadness. He tries and for that I love him but he just can't understand it. This feeling of helplessness, of doubt, of jealousy, of failure.

Someone told me "you have to stop being jealous"..But they have no idea how badly I want to not be jealous. to not be holding back tears every time I see a baby in the grocery store or hear a baby cry from the back of the room. I'm not like lifetime movie kidnapping jealous I am just sad for me. For my husband.
I wish people that don't understand, that haven't been in my shoes would just keep their opinions to themselves. Dont judge me if you haven't been here.

Back

I often get so worried about what to write that I forget to write at all.

I suppose that it is partly due to the fact that it is such a personal topic for me that I am then unable to wade through the fog of emotion to make a clear and consise entry. But do I really need to filter? Maybe some but I suppose the raw emotion is what makes it a real story..my story.

I found a new RE in Las Vegas that does in house financing for IVF. 90 days of no interest but a 15% interest after that. To me its worth it though. I am excited about the possibility that it could all still happen but I am continuing to pray that when it does happen that it is Gods timing and not my own.