I wasn't sure what I was going to write about until a moment ago when I was talking with my boss and a co-worker. It came up in our conversation a lady that actually said that if she knew then what she knows now she would have went through with an abortion instead of having her little boy, now 4 years old.
Can someone please tell me what kind of person, what kind of mother would say that? would feel that?
Jealousy is something I have struggled with throughout this whole journey and most days I do really well. Most days. And then there are days like today that make it hard not to be angry and sad and mad and incredibly jealous of those that are not deserving.
I know its not my place to judge. Its not my place to say they are unfit parents or don't deserve the love of a child but lets face it she made it pretty easy for me to draw that conclusion. I will pray for forgiveness tonight as I do everynight.
I just have to keep telling myself that I will be a mom someday soon. I will get my turn and Paul will have his turn and together we will be great parents. That we will appreciate every moment that much more.
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Thursday, February 17, 2011
A whole lot of nothing!
Well I haven't been on here in a couple of days, been slacking a bit you could say, but I just didn't know what to say.
I had a great time on Saturday at bible study with Lori and I felt so good afterwards.
Things seem to be pretty good right now with the exception of the dealings with the insurance company. The lady handling part of the claim, the medical side, called and screamed at me claiming not to have said some of the things that she said and also accusing me of cursing her out and others as well. I can say with confidence that I most certainly did NOT curse at anyone! That made me angry! And on top of it she is being vengeful and childish saying she will not begin working on the claim until after 15 days..when she told me previously it would only take her 2 or 3 days to settle. Talk about frustrating !
In other news, well there isn't much. We are waiting on the money from the settlements to come in and our tax return to come in so we can do the things we need to do. We are hoping to have a car next week :) and the remaining money will be put into savings so that we can begin making payments on the student loans as well as start really socking money away to buy a piece of land and a home. And of course baby!
As soon as we know what the 'plan' is going to be money wise we will be able to go get some initial ultra sounds and such done just to be totally positive there isn't any issue that may prevent me from carrying a baby to term. Its starting to feel more and more real. Like we have a date and the money and its actually going to happen! It seems a bit surreal at times but I couldn't be more excited..I kind of wish we were doing the April cycle but June will be here before you know it and June will be a bit more relaxed month with work and such. I hope. This time next year I could have a baby of my own..a living symbol of my love with my husband..I am truly blessed!
I had a great time on Saturday at bible study with Lori and I felt so good afterwards.
Things seem to be pretty good right now with the exception of the dealings with the insurance company. The lady handling part of the claim, the medical side, called and screamed at me claiming not to have said some of the things that she said and also accusing me of cursing her out and others as well. I can say with confidence that I most certainly did NOT curse at anyone! That made me angry! And on top of it she is being vengeful and childish saying she will not begin working on the claim until after 15 days..when she told me previously it would only take her 2 or 3 days to settle. Talk about frustrating !
In other news, well there isn't much. We are waiting on the money from the settlements to come in and our tax return to come in so we can do the things we need to do. We are hoping to have a car next week :) and the remaining money will be put into savings so that we can begin making payments on the student loans as well as start really socking money away to buy a piece of land and a home. And of course baby!
As soon as we know what the 'plan' is going to be money wise we will be able to go get some initial ultra sounds and such done just to be totally positive there isn't any issue that may prevent me from carrying a baby to term. Its starting to feel more and more real. Like we have a date and the money and its actually going to happen! It seems a bit surreal at times but I couldn't be more excited..I kind of wish we were doing the April cycle but June will be here before you know it and June will be a bit more relaxed month with work and such. I hope. This time next year I could have a baby of my own..a living symbol of my love with my husband..I am truly blessed!
Friday, February 11, 2011
Correction 2011
I really need to get better at proof reading things! I had posted a week or so ago a thread entitled "June 2012!" BUT it actually needed to be "June 2011!"
Just to be clear we are going to proceed with IVF in June of this year..yes thats right 4 months! Its an almost surreal feeling to finally have a timeframe nailed down!
I have said before that I am fully aware of the possibility that we may not be successful in our first attempt at IVF but I have also said that I plan to focus on the potential for a positive outcome (ie: a full term healthy baby boy/girl). So I am going to be incredibly nervous and ridiculously excited for the next 4 months and hopefully for the next 9 months after that! And in the mean time we are busy planning and saving and trying to get all our ducks in a row so to speak.
I am praying that God will help us get a place of our own before the baby comes in the spring and I hope that he will guide us towards the opportunities that will lead us to financial independence.
Just to be clear we are going to proceed with IVF in June of this year..yes thats right 4 months! Its an almost surreal feeling to finally have a timeframe nailed down!
I have said before that I am fully aware of the possibility that we may not be successful in our first attempt at IVF but I have also said that I plan to focus on the potential for a positive outcome (ie: a full term healthy baby boy/girl). So I am going to be incredibly nervous and ridiculously excited for the next 4 months and hopefully for the next 9 months after that! And in the mean time we are busy planning and saving and trying to get all our ducks in a row so to speak.
I am praying that God will help us get a place of our own before the baby comes in the spring and I hope that he will guide us towards the opportunities that will lead us to financial independence.
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Houses and Cars
So todays post is going to be a little bit off topic but pertinent to the rest of my life..you know the part that doesn't totally revolve around IF..haha..I know SURPRISE I do have a life otherwise too..lol
We have been talking a lot about buying a little piece of land and buying a house not tomorrow but would definitely be something we would like to happen before are bringing babies home from the hospital ya know?
We agree about a few things but not most of them as far as size..well lets face it he is cheap..but he is having a hard time understanding that the cost of moving in 5 years because we have outgrown a house is more expensive than spending a little extra now to be in a house we won't outgrow so quickly. Although at the same time I can understand where he is coming from..lots of options to weigh, lots of pros and cons..guess that means time for a list!! (I truly love lists!)
OH and I will share a few links of the houses we are looking at:
http://www.fuquahomes.com/fuquabend/eagle_pointe_fp/9956_fp.jpg
http://www.fuquahomes.com/fuquabend/eagle_pointe_fp/9953_fp.jpg
http://www.fuquahomes.com/fuquabend/first_pointe_fp/1356lit.pdf
http://www.fuquahomes.com/fuquabend/first_pointe_fp/1393lit.pdf
http://www.fuquahomes.com/fuquabend/river_pointe_fp/0338DFP.jpg
http://www.newwavehomebuilders.com/pdf/3R-4470-22.pdf
http://www.newwavehomebuilders.com/pdf/3C-4470-22.pdf
Next week we will be shopping for a car and I hope that we can find one we like quickly and hopefully agree on something without too much sacrafice on either part :)
We have been talking a lot about buying a little piece of land and buying a house not tomorrow but would definitely be something we would like to happen before are bringing babies home from the hospital ya know?
We agree about a few things but not most of them as far as size..well lets face it he is cheap..but he is having a hard time understanding that the cost of moving in 5 years because we have outgrown a house is more expensive than spending a little extra now to be in a house we won't outgrow so quickly. Although at the same time I can understand where he is coming from..lots of options to weigh, lots of pros and cons..guess that means time for a list!! (I truly love lists!)
OH and I will share a few links of the houses we are looking at:
http://www.fuquahomes.com/fuquabend/eagle_pointe_fp/9956_fp.jpg
http://www.fuquahomes.com/fuquabend/eagle_pointe_fp/9953_fp.jpg
http://www.fuquahomes.com/fuquabend/first_pointe_fp/1356lit.pdf
http://www.fuquahomes.com/fuquabend/first_pointe_fp/1393lit.pdf
http://www.fuquahomes.com/fuquabend/river_pointe_fp/0338DFP.jpg
http://www.newwavehomebuilders.com/pdf/3R-4470-22.pdf
http://www.newwavehomebuilders.com/pdf/3C-4470-22.pdf
Next week we will be shopping for a car and I hope that we can find one we like quickly and hopefully agree on something without too much sacrafice on either part :)
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Baby Names
I was talking to Lori about babies and names and it occured to me that I hadn't shared my name list here with you all. Here are the names I plan to use for the future Malay babies:
Here is a link so you can vote: http://www.babynames.com/namelist/9766495
Boys:
Wyatt Iven Malay
Cooper McCoy Malay
Remington Clay Malay
Hestin Bailer Malay
Saracen Kincaide Malay
Riggins Tate Malay
Girls:
Odessa Joliene Malay
Payson Tulsa Malay
Mariykah Tielar Malay
Carsyn Brinkley Malay
Kassydee Payge Malay
Kinsley Bliss Malay
Kadence Layne Faith Malay
Here is a link so you can vote: http://www.babynames.com/namelist/9766495
Boys:
Wyatt Iven Malay
Cooper McCoy Malay
Remington Clay Malay
Hestin Bailer Malay
Saracen Kincaide Malay
Riggins Tate Malay
Girls:
Odessa Joliene Malay
Payson Tulsa Malay
Mariykah Tielar Malay
Carsyn Brinkley Malay
Kassydee Payge Malay
Kinsley Bliss Malay
Kadence Layne Faith Malay
Sunday, February 6, 2011
Baby Kade
I didn't post this when I originally wrote it in my journal because I just didn't know how. I think I can now: Written January 23, 2011
I met my newest nephew, Kade, for the first time yesterday; he is quite possibly perfect! I was there to take his newborn pictures and admittedly I had sort of been, well not looking forward to it. But I needed to not only because I promised my sister but also because I knew I was being pretty ridiculous.
I was soo happy, am so happy, for Angie and Kyle; but sad for myself, for Paul. I hope that everyone can try to understand that the happiness I had for my sister and brother-in-law was in no way replaced by my own selfish sadness that was accompanied by a very small undertone of jealousy..though by this point that small undercurrent was pretty much abolished.
I was thankful for the wind and the warm weather that the day had brought with it because if not for that weather I am quite certain my tears would have stained my cheeks. I cried because I was happy, I cried because I was sad, I was a little angry at myself for letting my emotions get the best of me, a little angry with God for giving me this situation but at the same time thankful for his guidance and his love. I was sad that it was me having to struggle though I would NEVER wish this struggle on anyone else, not even my greatest enemy. I had to give it all to God before I went in the house because I wasn't sure that if I held onto it all myself I would be able to handle it..that I would be able to keep from crying or laughing or standing on my head in the corner of the room.
I didn't want to take away from their happiness..I didn't want to make what was soo special for them less special because I have issues because I know that if the situation were reversed she wouldn't either. I guess I have to confess that I miss Angie..I shared this whole experience with her and she has been wonderfully supportive about everything and she is always there for me, always has been. I haven't been sharing as much with Angie as I used to for fear of ruining something for her though I am not really convinced I could.
My accident was during the same time she was in labor with Kade and the next morning when I heard from her I just remember sitting and crying as hard as I ever had for about 10 minutes all the while smiling and being so overjoyed that he was here. It was the same reaction that I had when I held him for the first time (or rather after I left the house that night) and still now I cry and laugh and smile and be happy and sad all at the same time.
I am not really sure why I felt like I should share this but I really felt like I should. I don't want people, particularly Angie, to feel weird or guilty or sad for me or anything like that because that isn't what I am trying to accomplish by sharing these experiences. I love Kade the same as I love Evee and Monkey (my niece and nephew from another step sister) and I am so glad that I have them in my life because they always make me smile! If I never have a child of my own I am still blessed because I get to have these wonderful children and people in my life!
I met my newest nephew, Kade, for the first time yesterday; he is quite possibly perfect! I was there to take his newborn pictures and admittedly I had sort of been, well not looking forward to it. But I needed to not only because I promised my sister but also because I knew I was being pretty ridiculous.
I was soo happy, am so happy, for Angie and Kyle; but sad for myself, for Paul. I hope that everyone can try to understand that the happiness I had for my sister and brother-in-law was in no way replaced by my own selfish sadness that was accompanied by a very small undertone of jealousy..though by this point that small undercurrent was pretty much abolished.
I was thankful for the wind and the warm weather that the day had brought with it because if not for that weather I am quite certain my tears would have stained my cheeks. I cried because I was happy, I cried because I was sad, I was a little angry at myself for letting my emotions get the best of me, a little angry with God for giving me this situation but at the same time thankful for his guidance and his love. I was sad that it was me having to struggle though I would NEVER wish this struggle on anyone else, not even my greatest enemy. I had to give it all to God before I went in the house because I wasn't sure that if I held onto it all myself I would be able to handle it..that I would be able to keep from crying or laughing or standing on my head in the corner of the room.
I didn't want to take away from their happiness..I didn't want to make what was soo special for them less special because I have issues because I know that if the situation were reversed she wouldn't either. I guess I have to confess that I miss Angie..I shared this whole experience with her and she has been wonderfully supportive about everything and she is always there for me, always has been. I haven't been sharing as much with Angie as I used to for fear of ruining something for her though I am not really convinced I could.
My accident was during the same time she was in labor with Kade and the next morning when I heard from her I just remember sitting and crying as hard as I ever had for about 10 minutes all the while smiling and being so overjoyed that he was here. It was the same reaction that I had when I held him for the first time (or rather after I left the house that night) and still now I cry and laugh and smile and be happy and sad all at the same time.
I am not really sure why I felt like I should share this but I really felt like I should. I don't want people, particularly Angie, to feel weird or guilty or sad for me or anything like that because that isn't what I am trying to accomplish by sharing these experiences. I love Kade the same as I love Evee and Monkey (my niece and nephew from another step sister) and I am so glad that I have them in my life because they always make me smile! If I never have a child of my own I am still blessed because I get to have these wonderful children and people in my life!
Thursday, February 3, 2011
JUNE 2011
So I talked to the people at the Dr. Foulks' office today and they told me the timeline for their IVF cycles; basically they do every even month (ie: Feb, April, June, August..etc....) I also had a long talk with Paul today and we decided concretely on shooting for May..since they do June cycles and don't do a May cycle we are going to be doing IVF in JUNE!!
Paul had taken the time off at the end of June for our anniversary, we were going to take a trip just the two of us somewhere nice since we never got to take a honeymoon or anything..but..it looks like we may be at the RE getting knocked up!! I have never been so excited about anything EVER..except maybe my wedding day!!
Now I know its not the end of the journey but it is the end of one chapter..or it will be once we get there! And I also know we could be unsuccessful and I am just going to 'know it' instead of dwelling on it and making it a focus..There is entirely too much room for hope for me to waste my energy on being negative so I am not going to be!
We plan to spend the next 4 months saving as much money as we can and working towards being as debt free as possible. We would like to be in a home of our own this time next year (so shortly before our baby(ies) would be here) or sooner if the good Lord blesses us with such an opportunity!
I also want to thank everyone who has been supportive to me through this whole journey. A special thanks to Debbie,Angie, Breezy and Sarah who have been there for me through it all! I love you guys!
Paul had taken the time off at the end of June for our anniversary, we were going to take a trip just the two of us somewhere nice since we never got to take a honeymoon or anything..but..it looks like we may be at the RE getting knocked up!! I have never been so excited about anything EVER..except maybe my wedding day!!
Now I know its not the end of the journey but it is the end of one chapter..or it will be once we get there! And I also know we could be unsuccessful and I am just going to 'know it' instead of dwelling on it and making it a focus..There is entirely too much room for hope for me to waste my energy on being negative so I am not going to be!
We plan to spend the next 4 months saving as much money as we can and working towards being as debt free as possible. We would like to be in a home of our own this time next year (so shortly before our baby(ies) would be here) or sooner if the good Lord blesses us with such an opportunity!
I also want to thank everyone who has been supportive to me through this whole journey. A special thanks to Debbie,Angie, Breezy and Sarah who have been there for me through it all! I love you guys!
Jeremiah 29:11-14
I have been asking friends to share with me the verses that they hold dear. Verses that speak to them or have gotten them through some hard times. I have also asked for inspirational quotes and sayings and today my friend Kelsey shared this verse with me:
Jeremiah 29:11-14
“I know what I’m doing. I have it all planned out–plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for. When you call on me, when you come and pray t...o me, I’ll listen. When you come looking for me, you’ll find me. Yes, when you get serious about finding me and want it more than anything else, I’ll make sure you won’t be disappointed. I’ll turn things around for you…You can count on it.”
It spoke to me. This is exactly the perfect verse to get me through this struggle. I hope you all enjoy it as well!
Jeremiah 29:11-14
“I know what I’m doing. I have it all planned out–plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for. When you call on me, when you come and pray t...o me, I’ll listen. When you come looking for me, you’ll find me. Yes, when you get serious about finding me and want it more than anything else, I’ll make sure you won’t be disappointed. I’ll turn things around for you…You can count on it.”
It spoke to me. This is exactly the perfect verse to get me through this struggle. I hope you all enjoy it as well!
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
What is IVF
I have been talking a lot about IVF and it occured to me that so many people are unaware of what it really is and so many people I talk to automatically think of Jon and Kate plus 8 or Octomom..those are rare cases! In the IVF world anything more than 1 baby isn't considered a success.
Here is a link to a description of the treatment and all that IVF really entails: http://utahfertility.com/utah/treatment/IvfCycle.aspx
Here is a link about the risks involved with IVF: http://utahfertility.com/utah/treatment/IvfRisks.aspx
Today I have been doing quite a bit of research on different ways we can get meds paid for or discount programs and such. Luckily our REs office in Utah works with a place called Fertility Lifelines
(link: http://www.fertilitylifelines.com/index.jsp) and many of their patients have recieved free or discounted meds. I have also found a few other similar sites willing to do one free round of meds or sites that offer great discounts to couples who qualify.
Our RE office is also doing a progesterone supplement with IVF study which if we qualify could save us 20% ($1686.00) that would be AMAZING!! Especially if we were able to couple that 20% discount with discounted or free meds we could end up spending less than $9000 all together (of course not including the cryopreservation of embryos..hopefully we have plenty!)
I also don't think that I have ever really talked about a timeline that we would like 'stick' to as closely as possible, assuming that we don't change our minds as far as how many kids we would like to have. Of course there are some variables such as # of frosties (frozen embryos), # of IVF cycles before a successful pregnancy, # of embryos transferred and successfully carried, etc..
But here is a rough idea of what we would like to do (and for the sake of argument we will assume our first IVF cycle is successful):
IVF Cycle #1 - June 2011
EDD: March 2012 (assuming normal singleton pregnancy)
**Nurse for 6 months**
FET Cycle 1 or IVF Cycle #2 (plan to do FET if we have quality frosties): September 2012
***REPEAT until we have reached the desired number of children (probably 8)
I know I know..maybe I am crazy but I have ALWAYS wanted a big family and if we plan for it accordingly we will be able to achieve that and still have some money in the bank though I won't promise we will be totally sane afterwards!! haha..I am trying to be optimistic and look for the good that can come from it all. Its hard to see ourselves with 8 kids when we are still just hoping to be able to concieve 1 but I am confident and I believe in God and I believe that He put me here to be a mom to wonderful kids and make them honest, hard working, productive citezens of this country and world.
Here is a link to a description of the treatment and all that IVF really entails: http://utahfertility.com/utah/treatment/IvfCycle.aspx
Here is a link about the risks involved with IVF: http://utahfertility.com/utah/treatment/IvfRisks.aspx
Today I have been doing quite a bit of research on different ways we can get meds paid for or discount programs and such. Luckily our REs office in Utah works with a place called Fertility Lifelines
(link: http://www.fertilitylifelines.com/index.jsp) and many of their patients have recieved free or discounted meds. I have also found a few other similar sites willing to do one free round of meds or sites that offer great discounts to couples who qualify.
Our RE office is also doing a progesterone supplement with IVF study which if we qualify could save us 20% ($1686.00) that would be AMAZING!! Especially if we were able to couple that 20% discount with discounted or free meds we could end up spending less than $9000 all together (of course not including the cryopreservation of embryos..hopefully we have plenty!)
I also don't think that I have ever really talked about a timeline that we would like 'stick' to as closely as possible, assuming that we don't change our minds as far as how many kids we would like to have. Of course there are some variables such as # of frosties (frozen embryos), # of IVF cycles before a successful pregnancy, # of embryos transferred and successfully carried, etc..
But here is a rough idea of what we would like to do (and for the sake of argument we will assume our first IVF cycle is successful):
IVF Cycle #1 - June 2011
EDD: March 2012 (assuming normal singleton pregnancy)
**Nurse for 6 months**
FET Cycle 1 or IVF Cycle #2 (plan to do FET if we have quality frosties): September 2012
***REPEAT until we have reached the desired number of children (probably 8)
I know I know..maybe I am crazy but I have ALWAYS wanted a big family and if we plan for it accordingly we will be able to achieve that and still have some money in the bank though I won't promise we will be totally sane afterwards!! haha..I am trying to be optimistic and look for the good that can come from it all. Its hard to see ourselves with 8 kids when we are still just hoping to be able to concieve 1 but I am confident and I believe in God and I believe that He put me here to be a mom to wonderful kids and make them honest, hard working, productive citezens of this country and world.
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